101 (Realistic) Things I Will Teach My Daughter

The latest article to make rounds on Facebook is a Thought Catalog(ue) article by Leah Froehle titled "101 Things I Will Teach My Daughter." Being the cynical, currently opposed to giving birth individual that I am, I took issue with about 90 of these items. Being the daughter that I am, I took issue with about 95 of these items. My mom typically gives me solid advice, not this preposterous tripe. Here is my amended version of the list.

1. Chocolate is only a temporary fix. True. Too much of it and you'll gain so much weight that you'll have even worse problems.

2. A properly-fitting bra is not a luxury. It is a necessity. Unless you take after your dear mother (me) and have boobs so small that not even a great push up bra gives you cleavage, in which case bras are optional.

3. Your happiness is your happiness and yours alone. Yes, but never use this as an excuse to be an imbecile.

4. How to apply red lipstick. Step 1. Buy red lipstick. Step 2. Smear it on your lips. Step 3. ???? Step 4. Profit and/or look like the Joker.

5. How to wear the crap out of red lipstick. Not on a daily basis.

6. A boyfriend does not validate your existence. Amen. You're a strong independent woman who don't need no man.

7. Eat the extra slice of pizza. Why eat pizza when there is actually good food on this planet?

8. Wear what makes you feel gracefully at ease. Unless you look like a hooker or a nun. Never look like a hooker or a nun.

9. Love the world unconditionally. Disagree. You should love without expecting something in return, but only things worth loving.

10. Seek beauty in all things. Excluding genocide.

11. Buy your friends dinner when you can. Only if they also buy you dinner - don't get taken advantage of by "friends"

12. Wear sunscreen like it’s your second job. but don't expect it to pay well

13. Try with all your might to keep in contact with far-away friends. Long distance relationships aren't usually worth the effort

14. Make the world feel at ease around you. Don't limit yourself by the world's approval - if you intimidate some of it, so be it.

15. Walk with your head up. But not too high - you'll look funny in pictures.

16. Order a cheeseburger on the first date if you want to. Hell yes. But if your date takes you to McDonalds for that cheeseburger, question your life decisions.

17. Never, ever bite your nails. You're a big girl; if you want unhealthy broken nails that's totally your call.

18. Swipe on some lipstick, put on your leather jacket, and sneak into a bar somewhere. Don't do this.

19. Learn from your mistakes that night. You're smart enough to learn from the mistakes of others.

20. Dental hygiene is not multiple choice. I don't even know what this means. Brush your teeth.

DENTISTRY IS SO MISLEADING

21. Your GPA is not a confession of your character. Butttt, it's one of the most important aspects of college and grad school acceptance, so keep it high. Do not use this as an excuse to fail.

22. There is strength in breaking down. Get your emotions out. Just don't pull a Bella Swan and curl up crying in the fetal position for 6 months. 

23. You don’t have to like yoga. You don't "have" to like anything. 

24. Pick a tea. Tea is silly; pick coffee.

25. Take care of your feet. You might date a guy with a fetish.

26. Pick a perfume. Wear it sparingly. Do not smell like a Hollister.

27. Even if you’re tall, wear the heels anyway. Unless you like flats, in which case, wear flats.

28. Classy is a relative term. No definition of classy includes "skirts so short they could be a taco stand"

29. Drink whiskey if you like whiskey. Seems obvious.

30. Drink wine if you like wine. Seems obvious.

31. Like what you like. Pretty sure you'll do this anyway.

32. Offer no explanation. Do not take this advice in most circumstances, including courtroom defenses, final exams, doctor's appointments, and trips to the emergency room.

33. Advil and Gatorade. Alternately, drink enough to get buzzed but not enough to get hungover.

34. You are no less of a woman when you’re in sweats and gym shoes than a woman in stilettos and a pencil skirt. Wow, did you know biology and genetics are unaffected by attire??

35. A woman is a woman is a woman. I don't think this is even a real sentence.

All of these people, even the overgrown Oompa-Loompa, are indeed women

36. Love your fellow woman with all your heart and soul. Some women are just bitches. It's ok to hate them in private and never speak to them in public. Some women will think you're the bitchy one. That's ok too.

37. Cry, uninhibited, with your friends. I've always found humor to be a better outlet than crying; do what works for you, but sometimes you just need to make fun of yourself and laugh it off, uninhibited, with your friends.

38. Laugh until you can’t breathe with your friends. Resume breathing quickly or risk death.

39. Tell me everything. Don't give me details about your sex life.

40. Exercise to be strong and healthy. A beautiful soul needs a sturdy vessel. Good eating habits do about 90% of the work - start there and exercise as desired.

41. There is no shame in hoping for love. There is also no shame in mocking love.

42. My cooking is the best cooking. My cooking consists of pancakes and cereal. Eat out whenever possible.

43. Do not take sex lightly. True. 

44. I mean it. You'll catch emotions. 

45. Anna Karenina. I’d like it if you read it. Forget Tolstoy - read Fitzgerald instead.

46. The world spins on the principle of inherent tragedy. I have no idea what this means.

47. Do not be blind to it. Is this a quote?

48. Men are effectively idiots until the age of 26. Men are effectively idiots until the age of death. So are women.

49. Carbohydrates are not the enemy. Cornstarch is the enemy.

50. Involve yourself in an organized activity of your choosing. Watching the same season of a show on Netflix with your friends does not count.

51. Listen to classical music occasionally. Tchaikovsky. Always Tchaikovsky.

52. Take hot baths. In the summer, take cold baths.

53. Do not use bath salts. You might eat a homeless man's face.

54. You are more than capable. Don't kid yourself; you will have strengths and you will have weaknesses. Embrace your strengths and do not feel guilty about your weaknesses. You will be more than capable sometimes, and you will need help sometimes. 

55. I promise. Don't be afraid to ask for it.

56. Don’t smile if you don’t mean it. Learning to convincingly smile without meaning will be vital for your continued social and employment success. 

57. Mean your anger. Mean your sadness. Mean your pain. Have genuine emotions? Not sure what this conveys.

58. I am always, always listening. Sometimes I tune out. Sorry. I still love you but I'm human too.

59. Travel. Do it.

60. Get stuck in a foreign country with $4.67 in your account. This is idiotic. I will bail you out, but please plan for at least a plane ticket home.

61. Make me furious. Don't try too hard; you'll probably succeed without much effort.

62. Make me worry. I'm your mother; I'll always worry about you.

63. Come home smelly, tired, and with a good story. Shower before telling it.

64. Your story isn’t really yours. Plagiarize it and tell it like it is. 

65. You are a compilation of others’ stories. They are also a compilation including yours. Deep.

66. Well-fitting and modest is ALWAYS sexier than too small and tight. Depends on who you ask; modest will attract men who find you sexy for less superficial reasons.

67. Who cares if glitter isn’t tasteful? I care. Glitter is for small children and thots. 

68. It’s too much eyeliner if you have to ask. You'll go through a too much eyeliner stage and we'll laugh about the pictures later.

69. Learn to bake for when you’re sad and I’m not there. Find a good bakery - less work and more time to watch funny movies and feel better.

70. Humility and subservience are not synonyms. Study your dictionary so you know this without me telling you.

71. Wash your face twice per day. This is not a hard and fast rule.

72. Be gentle with your skin. But don't stress about it. A few good facials can fix about anything, and stress causes acne.

73. Science is really cool. YEAH.

74. So is literature. YEAH.

75. And history. YEAH.

76. And math. ONLY STATISTICS.

77. There is no substitute for fresh air. Stale air works in an oxygen emergency.

78. Carry your weight. Unless you can manipulate someone else into carrying it for you.

79. Make up for it later if you can’t. Use the above tip when you go camping.

80. That salad is not better than pasta and it never will be. Gourmet salads can be rapturously delicious and way better than pasta. Do not be fooled.

81. You’re fooling no one. Take an acting class.

82. Find at least three green vegetables you can tolerate. Green food coloring will help.

83. A smoothie is not a meal. A smoothie is a dessert. 

84. Expect the best from everyone. Don't set your standards too high or you'll perpetually be disappointed - be realistic about what people can do. Better to be surprised than let down.

85. People will let you down. The only person who will never let you down is yourself, and you'd be surprised how often even you will disappoint yourself. 

86. Bask in the sun (wearing a sunhat and SPF 90). Tanning is seriously overrated.

87. There is a certain kind of man you need to avoid at all costs. This is intentionally vague because I have no idea what I'm talking about.

88. You’ll know it when you meet him. Again, this way I can give you advice without actually advising you. Use your brain.

89. What other people say is right doesn’t always feel right. Do what is right for you.

90. What feels right is where your happiness is. No. Feelings are easily misled and changed. Factor logic and facts into your decisions for longterm happiness.

91. Give thoughtful gifts. Unless you really know that the person wants a particular thing; give money. Impersonal but highly appreciated.

92. Form an opinion. *Based on facts

93. Stick to it. *Unless presented with evidence that your stance is incorrect

"The greatest thing about this man is he's steady. You know where he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday that he believed on Monday, no matter what happened Tuesday. Events can change; this man's beliefs never will." Don't be a Bush.

94. Exfoliation in moderation. Stop worrying about your skin so much, damn

95. Argue with people when you need to. Arguing is fun. Play Devil's Advocate!

96. If it’s worth fighting for, fight fiercely. Unless it involves physical confrontation; if you're my kid you've probably inherited my terrible coordination

97. Don’t fight for acceptance. TELL THAT TO SUSAN B. ANTHONY AND MARTIN LUTHER KING JR

98. You shouldn’t have to. Sometimes you have to. Choose your cause wisely.

99. Take pictures, but not too many. Never ever purchase a selfie stick.

100. Follow your bliss at all costs. (I’m cutting you off at 22, though). Be smart, please. Budgeting is an important life skill and "bliss" is temporary.

101. Chocolate ice cream, however, might just be a permanent fix. Chocolate ice cream overdose is the 5th most common cause of death in young adults.