My Favorite President: The Sweet 16

In honor of the NCAA Sweet Sixteen finals, which will rapidly be upon us (in 3 months), I decided to have a Sweet Sixteen competition of my own. This competition will once and for all end a raging debate: who is my favorite United States President? Polls show strong support for Theodore Roosevelt and Andrew Jackson, but recognize the existence of possible game changers like the Harrison father/son duo and John Quincy Adams.

Qualifications for this tournament include quirky personality traits, general badass activities and merit of anecdotes, apocryphal or otherwise.

Round 1: The Sweet 16

1/12: Zachary Taylor vs William Henry Harrison

Zachary Taylor was "Old Rough and Ready" of the Mexican-American War. Frequently outnumbered, Taylor used brilliant tactics to emerge victorious. His greatest triumph is arguably the Battle of Monterrey, where he led troops to capture a city considered impregnable in a short 3 days. He managed to secure the presidential nomination for 1848 without any real political views (actually, not that uncommon) and won based on his military fame. While in office, Taylor focused on preserving the Union and closing the growing divides about slavery. Taylor was the first president to die in office preserving the Union (God, Lincoln was so unoriginal), though he met his demise courtesy of spoiled fruit and a mysterious stomach ailment.
William Henry Harrison is on this list primarily because he had the shortest tenure in office as President of the United States (32 days, to be exact). He was a military hero at the Battle of Tippecanoe and in the War of 1812, but is really only memorable for dying from pneumonia after a month in office.

In this battle of embarrassing deaths, bad fruit wins out over pneumonia.

Victor: Zachary Taylor

1/12: Chester A. Arthur vs Lyndon Baines Johnson

Chester A. Arthur became President when James A. Garfield was assassinated 200 days into his term. Initially unpopular, Arthur embraced reform. He signed the Pendleton Civil Service Reform Act into law, which finally established that merit should be the basis of civil service appointments. He attempted to fight for civil rights, but was unable to convince the Supreme Court to reconsider their decision to overturn the Civil Rights Act of 1875. Arthur signed the Edmunds Act, forbidding polygamy (in response to Mormon activities in Utah).
LBJ was sworn in after the assassination of President Kennedy, and launched into a wide array of civil rights reforms. LBJ started the "war on poverty", the "Great Society" reforms, provided federal funding for education, signed a comprehensive gun control act, signed the Voting Rights Act of 1965, and reformed the immigration system.

Though I love Mormons, and LBJ gets a bad rap for escalating American activities in the Vietnam War, LBJ successfully oversaw many reforms while Arthur failed to pass many of his.  LBJ also invented the "Johnson Treatment" and is basically the real-life version of Frank Underwood.

Victor: Lyndon Baines Johnson

1/13: Abraham Lincoln vs John F. Kennedy

1/13: Bill Clinton vs John Quincy Adams

1/14: Ulysses S Grant vs Theodore Roosevelt

1/14: Grover Cleveland vs Benjamin Harrison

1/15: George Washington vs Franklin D. Roosevelt

1/15: Andrew Jackson vs Thomas Jefferson

101 (Realistic) Things I Will Teach My Daughter

The latest article to make rounds on Facebook is a Thought Catalog(ue) article by Leah Froehle titled "101 Things I Will Teach My Daughter." Being the cynical, currently opposed to giving birth individual that I am, I took issue with about 90 of these items. Being the daughter that I am, I took issue with about 95 of these items. My mom typically gives me solid advice, not this preposterous tripe. Here is my amended version of the list.

1. Chocolate is only a temporary fix. True. Too much of it and you'll gain so much weight that you'll have even worse problems.

2. A properly-fitting bra is not a luxury. It is a necessity. Unless you take after your dear mother (me) and have boobs so small that not even a great push up bra gives you cleavage, in which case bras are optional.

3. Your happiness is your happiness and yours alone. Yes, but never use this as an excuse to be an imbecile.

4. How to apply red lipstick. Step 1. Buy red lipstick. Step 2. Smear it on your lips. Step 3. ???? Step 4. Profit and/or look like the Joker.

5. How to wear the crap out of red lipstick. Not on a daily basis.

6. A boyfriend does not validate your existence. Amen. You're a strong independent woman who don't need no man.

7. Eat the extra slice of pizza. Why eat pizza when there is actually good food on this planet?

8. Wear what makes you feel gracefully at ease. Unless you look like a hooker or a nun. Never look like a hooker or a nun.

9. Love the world unconditionally. Disagree. You should love without expecting something in return, but only things worth loving.

10. Seek beauty in all things. Excluding genocide.

11. Buy your friends dinner when you can. Only if they also buy you dinner - don't get taken advantage of by "friends"

12. Wear sunscreen like it’s your second job. but don't expect it to pay well

13. Try with all your might to keep in contact with far-away friends. Long distance relationships aren't usually worth the effort

14. Make the world feel at ease around you. Don't limit yourself by the world's approval - if you intimidate some of it, so be it.

15. Walk with your head up. But not too high - you'll look funny in pictures.

16. Order a cheeseburger on the first date if you want to. Hell yes. But if your date takes you to McDonalds for that cheeseburger, question your life decisions.

17. Never, ever bite your nails. You're a big girl; if you want unhealthy broken nails that's totally your call.

18. Swipe on some lipstick, put on your leather jacket, and sneak into a bar somewhere. Don't do this.

19. Learn from your mistakes that night. You're smart enough to learn from the mistakes of others.

20. Dental hygiene is not multiple choice. I don't even know what this means. Brush your teeth.

DENTISTRY IS SO MISLEADING

21. Your GPA is not a confession of your character. Butttt, it's one of the most important aspects of college and grad school acceptance, so keep it high. Do not use this as an excuse to fail.

22. There is strength in breaking down. Get your emotions out. Just don't pull a Bella Swan and curl up crying in the fetal position for 6 months. 

23. You don’t have to like yoga. You don't "have" to like anything. 

24. Pick a tea. Tea is silly; pick coffee.

25. Take care of your feet. You might date a guy with a fetish.

26. Pick a perfume. Wear it sparingly. Do not smell like a Hollister.

27. Even if you’re tall, wear the heels anyway. Unless you like flats, in which case, wear flats.

28. Classy is a relative term. No definition of classy includes "skirts so short they could be a taco stand"

29. Drink whiskey if you like whiskey. Seems obvious.

30. Drink wine if you like wine. Seems obvious.

31. Like what you like. Pretty sure you'll do this anyway.

32. Offer no explanation. Do not take this advice in most circumstances, including courtroom defenses, final exams, doctor's appointments, and trips to the emergency room.

33. Advil and Gatorade. Alternately, drink enough to get buzzed but not enough to get hungover.

34. You are no less of a woman when you’re in sweats and gym shoes than a woman in stilettos and a pencil skirt. Wow, did you know biology and genetics are unaffected by attire??

35. A woman is a woman is a woman. I don't think this is even a real sentence.

All of these people, even the overgrown Oompa-Loompa, are indeed women

36. Love your fellow woman with all your heart and soul. Some women are just bitches. It's ok to hate them in private and never speak to them in public. Some women will think you're the bitchy one. That's ok too.

37. Cry, uninhibited, with your friends. I've always found humor to be a better outlet than crying; do what works for you, but sometimes you just need to make fun of yourself and laugh it off, uninhibited, with your friends.

38. Laugh until you can’t breathe with your friends. Resume breathing quickly or risk death.

39. Tell me everything. Don't give me details about your sex life.

40. Exercise to be strong and healthy. A beautiful soul needs a sturdy vessel. Good eating habits do about 90% of the work - start there and exercise as desired.

41. There is no shame in hoping for love. There is also no shame in mocking love.

42. My cooking is the best cooking. My cooking consists of pancakes and cereal. Eat out whenever possible.

43. Do not take sex lightly. True. 

44. I mean it. You'll catch emotions. 

45. Anna Karenina. I’d like it if you read it. Forget Tolstoy - read Fitzgerald instead.

46. The world spins on the principle of inherent tragedy. I have no idea what this means.

47. Do not be blind to it. Is this a quote?

48. Men are effectively idiots until the age of 26. Men are effectively idiots until the age of death. So are women.

49. Carbohydrates are not the enemy. Cornstarch is the enemy.

50. Involve yourself in an organized activity of your choosing. Watching the same season of a show on Netflix with your friends does not count.

51. Listen to classical music occasionally. Tchaikovsky. Always Tchaikovsky.

52. Take hot baths. In the summer, take cold baths.

53. Do not use bath salts. You might eat a homeless man's face.

54. You are more than capable. Don't kid yourself; you will have strengths and you will have weaknesses. Embrace your strengths and do not feel guilty about your weaknesses. You will be more than capable sometimes, and you will need help sometimes. 

55. I promise. Don't be afraid to ask for it.

56. Don’t smile if you don’t mean it. Learning to convincingly smile without meaning will be vital for your continued social and employment success. 

57. Mean your anger. Mean your sadness. Mean your pain. Have genuine emotions? Not sure what this conveys.

58. I am always, always listening. Sometimes I tune out. Sorry. I still love you but I'm human too.

59. Travel. Do it.

60. Get stuck in a foreign country with $4.67 in your account. This is idiotic. I will bail you out, but please plan for at least a plane ticket home.

61. Make me furious. Don't try too hard; you'll probably succeed without much effort.

62. Make me worry. I'm your mother; I'll always worry about you.

63. Come home smelly, tired, and with a good story. Shower before telling it.

64. Your story isn’t really yours. Plagiarize it and tell it like it is. 

65. You are a compilation of others’ stories. They are also a compilation including yours. Deep.

66. Well-fitting and modest is ALWAYS sexier than too small and tight. Depends on who you ask; modest will attract men who find you sexy for less superficial reasons.

67. Who cares if glitter isn’t tasteful? I care. Glitter is for small children and thots. 

68. It’s too much eyeliner if you have to ask. You'll go through a too much eyeliner stage and we'll laugh about the pictures later.

69. Learn to bake for when you’re sad and I’m not there. Find a good bakery - less work and more time to watch funny movies and feel better.

70. Humility and subservience are not synonyms. Study your dictionary so you know this without me telling you.

71. Wash your face twice per day. This is not a hard and fast rule.

72. Be gentle with your skin. But don't stress about it. A few good facials can fix about anything, and stress causes acne.

73. Science is really cool. YEAH.

74. So is literature. YEAH.

75. And history. YEAH.

76. And math. ONLY STATISTICS.

77. There is no substitute for fresh air. Stale air works in an oxygen emergency.

78. Carry your weight. Unless you can manipulate someone else into carrying it for you.

79. Make up for it later if you can’t. Use the above tip when you go camping.

80. That salad is not better than pasta and it never will be. Gourmet salads can be rapturously delicious and way better than pasta. Do not be fooled.

81. You’re fooling no one. Take an acting class.

82. Find at least three green vegetables you can tolerate. Green food coloring will help.

83. A smoothie is not a meal. A smoothie is a dessert. 

84. Expect the best from everyone. Don't set your standards too high or you'll perpetually be disappointed - be realistic about what people can do. Better to be surprised than let down.

85. People will let you down. The only person who will never let you down is yourself, and you'd be surprised how often even you will disappoint yourself. 

86. Bask in the sun (wearing a sunhat and SPF 90). Tanning is seriously overrated.

87. There is a certain kind of man you need to avoid at all costs. This is intentionally vague because I have no idea what I'm talking about.

88. You’ll know it when you meet him. Again, this way I can give you advice without actually advising you. Use your brain.

89. What other people say is right doesn’t always feel right. Do what is right for you.

90. What feels right is where your happiness is. No. Feelings are easily misled and changed. Factor logic and facts into your decisions for longterm happiness.

91. Give thoughtful gifts. Unless you really know that the person wants a particular thing; give money. Impersonal but highly appreciated.

92. Form an opinion. *Based on facts

93. Stick to it. *Unless presented with evidence that your stance is incorrect

"The greatest thing about this man is he's steady. You know where he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday that he believed on Monday, no matter what happened Tuesday. Events can change; this man's beliefs never will." Don't be a Bush.

94. Exfoliation in moderation. Stop worrying about your skin so much, damn

95. Argue with people when you need to. Arguing is fun. Play Devil's Advocate!

96. If it’s worth fighting for, fight fiercely. Unless it involves physical confrontation; if you're my kid you've probably inherited my terrible coordination

97. Don’t fight for acceptance. TELL THAT TO SUSAN B. ANTHONY AND MARTIN LUTHER KING JR

98. You shouldn’t have to. Sometimes you have to. Choose your cause wisely.

99. Take pictures, but not too many. Never ever purchase a selfie stick.

100. Follow your bliss at all costs. (I’m cutting you off at 22, though). Be smart, please. Budgeting is an important life skill and "bliss" is temporary.

101. Chocolate ice cream, however, might just be a permanent fix. Chocolate ice cream overdose is the 5th most common cause of death in young adults.

The Power of Poop

It's been a busy summer.

Forced to get a job, I found employment as a summer nanny. My duties include entertaining the child, preparing his lunch, and basic housework. Oh, yeah, the child has autism and his home is expected to be spotless. 

"Make sure the cleaner doesn't leave any streaks!"

I've learned many valuable lessons over the summer, which I shall describe for you in painful detail.

1) The best form of birth control is watching other people's children

Seriously. Babysit some rugrats for 12 hours and you'll never want to have any of your own. Children are messy and whiny and needy and unintentionally funny but are still basically home wreckers. Nice furnishings become tarnished by Sharpie marks; jacuzzis are invaded by rubber ducks and other bath toys. The only thing you get to watch on television is Sesame Street or Bubble Guppies. NOT COOL.

2) Never underestimate the power of poop

As a sophisticated American, I never talk about my bowel movements unless I'm having stomach ailments and need to discuss the matter with my doctor. And even then I use euphemisms. Once you're a parent? Poop is the most interesting topic in the world. 

"DID MY CHILD POOP TODAY?" is a surprisingly common question in the nannying world.

I keep up with pooping habits, I change diapers, and I discuss these things freely with parents who discuss these things freely amongst themselves. Shit, man, who knew?

3) Feeling like a service instead of a person hurts

I'd never experienced being "useful." I've always been introduced to people and exchanged pleasantries with them, even if they were professionals meeting with my parents or other adults. As a nanny? You're lucky to get an introduction. If a friend of the parent is around, you are expected to be in the background, or out of sight (preferably out of sight). You are there to watch their child, not to be introduced to this friend or that friend. And it stings, you know? A simple acknowledgment of my existence as a person, not a child-watching machine, is all I ask. PLEASE. FOR MY FRAGILE EGO.

4) Anti-Dr. Phil or: how I learned to shut up and keep my opinions to myself

This one was particularly hard for me. I'm an opinionated person. I love a good debate. I like to stick my two cents in every coin slot around. However, in the nanny life, this is not acceptable. Your employer does not want to hear a recent high school graduate's opinion on their life; they want someone to listen to their problems and then watch their child. The household I'm working in has undergone some serious changes, and I've been present for many of them. I've observed them first hand, and heard the biased grievances later. Do I ever point out that one party may actually be in the wrong, or one version of events does not match my memory of what happened? HAHA no. I value my paycheck. And so, I shut up and keep my opinions to myself. 

5) The value of work

Lest you fear that I've suddenly developed a work ethic (I haven't - no worries), allow me to explain. All summers before this summer had passed in a halcyon haze of laziness, lounging by the pool, reading, and Netflix. It was a time of sheer nothingness that I looked forward to every year. Then I had to get up, every Monday through Friday, to work an 8 hour shift on child watch. I complained. I was always tired. I would brew 3 cups of coffee in the morning and be tired again by 2:00. And then, I got a break. The family went on a week long vacation, and my services were not required. I returned to the haze of Netflix and online shopping. And it sucked. I was so bored. My days were aimless, purposeless, structureless. I found myself voluntarily doing chores and going grocery shopping, just for something to do. I learned that having something to work on, to add structure and purpose to your days, is invaluable. Otherwise, you end up drinking coffee in your pajamas and re-watching Breaking Bad for a week. I really need a new hobby...

6) Money is a joyful thing

My parents played this summer job thing wrong. They agreed to pay for all my gas, and are naturally still funding my food, car insurance, cell phone, and utility bills. As such, my entire weekly paycheck could be spent directly on me. Attempting to budget, I set aside 2/3 of each paycheck in savings, and have been very good about not touching that account. Yet. However, having the other 1/3 to spend as I wish has been such great fun. No longer must I ask permission before buying shoes on the internet! That novelty T-shirt you thought was so silly? HA, Mom, bought it myself - it'll be here in 3-5 business days. Strange beauty products that were probably tested on animals? Eh, I'll give it a try - here, cashier, my debit card awaits!

Apparently, in the real world, cash flow is diminished by perpetual bills and student loan debts. Not this summer, baby - wardrobes will be built from the ashes of my bank account!

7) There is one reasonable solution to reconcile these experiences

Marry rich and hire a nanny to watch your own stupid children while your job consists of society events and yachting. 

"Now I ain't sayin' she a gold digger..."

The Fat Man Has Sung

Just listen.

Appreciate the Al Green vibe this band creates. Appreciate the tune that makes you want to dance. Appreciate the lead singer's dancing as he sings the tune that makes you want to dance.

St. Paul and the Broken Bones, everyone. This is my music recommendation for the week.

Graduation Part 1

It's rather late and I still haven't processed the fact that I will never be forced by the government to attend school ever again. As such, this post shall consist merely of pictures from the momentous occasion - thoughts and reflections (or at least stories) to come!

Replacements

Graduation is a mere week away. I am done with high school forever. I leave for college in less than 80 days. And my family has already found my replacement.

Fortunately, they only got one

My family now owns one apricot Australian Labradoodle puppy.

I'd heard of Australia (that continent where nature is trying to kill everyone) and labradoodles, but never together. I'm not sure where the Australian part comes in, but the puppy may be the cutest thing I've ever seen, and I own a lot of mirrors. 

The puppy is magical. Not only is it adorable, it seems to have arrived pre-potty trained. It knows to pee on grass and not on carpets! I'm in awe. 

I'm also mildly embittered. Despite assurances that I'm "irreplaceable," my family chose a dog prettier than I am to fill the void. Australian or not, at least it shall never master my wit!

Puppies aside, this is a season of replacement. My old laptop was replaced with a MacBook Pro. My decrepit backpack was replaced by one from Eagle Creek. My room will be soon replaced by a dorm; my bathroom by a communal watering hole. My mother's cooking will be replaced by dining hall food; my car by a bicycle. 

The thought is scary and exciting and invigorating, all at once. 

In this period of change and replacement, I keep reminding myself of a favorite quote from C.S. Lewis: 

It's time for childhood whimsy to be left behind. Home is behind, the world ahead, and I've got many paths to tread. 

[And Lord of the Rings to quote, but that's a different story]

How to Win Babes and Influence People, Part 1

Ladies and Gentlemen, Single people of all ages! 

Gather round, and I shall teach you precisely how to win your beloved's heart. I am entirely qualified to do this, as "those who can, do; those who can't, teach." 

The first step in forming any relationship is to make contact and establish interest. There are several methods by which this objective can be accomplished.

One method is through song. Serenade your beloved with a melody that will convey the depth of your devotion. Suggested songs: 

"Let Me Take You Out" by Bryan J. feat. Travis Porter

"New Virginia Creeper" by Old Crow Medicine Show

"Night Vision Binoculars" by Passenger

"Run For Your Life" by The Beatles

"The Stalker" by Piebald

Another method is through casual, witty conversation. Let the intensity of your interest be apparent through your clever dialogue. Liberally use the following lines at any possible occasion: 

A third method is the cunning use of a flash mob. Seek out your beloved's weekly planner, and determine when they will be in a public place. Recruit willing strangers to be your backup dancers. When your beloved arrives, break out into the choreographed song and dance routine. Bestow upon your beloved a small gift, like flowers, chocolates, or a new BMW. They will be stunned, flattered, and 110% more in love with you. Sky writing will suffice as an alternate, should willing flash mob participants be unavailable. 

The next step in establishing your relationship is to spend time with your beloved. Traditionally, this takes place in the form of a "date." You, noble conqueror, are anything but traditional, and thus the notion of a simple coffee shop rendezvous is repulsive. No, you are far more interesting. First date suggestions include bear wrestling, spelunking, BASE jumping, a camping trip to Alaska, a Klan meeting, or a wedding planner's office. Each of these creative first date ideas will show your beloved what an interesting person you are. They will love getting to know the real you!  

After being duly impressed by your bear wrestling skills or exquisite taste in floral arrangements, your beloved should be ready to make things "official." If not, no matter. You will ask in this manner:

There is no way out. Your beloved is yours!

Follow this simple three-step method to win your beloved's heart! 60% of the time, it works all of the time!

Tune in next time to learn about effective proposals and how to choose your first three childrens' names!

Stars, Hide Your Fires

I've always been fascinated by stars.

When I lost my first baby tooth, instead of $5 the tooth fairy left a kids' astronomy kit.

I had yet to develop an avaricious streak

I remember that the kit had a guide to all the major constellations, and books about the solar system and comets and the formation of stars. I poured over those little books; I no longer have them primarily because I wore them to pieces.

I even went through a phase where I wanted to be an astronaut. That was before I realized my myopia basically disqualified me from even trying, and that physics sucks.

The only appropriate use of physics is in inappropriate pickup lines

Last night, the Earth passed through a debris cloud left by comet 209P/LINEAR in the 1800s. This was a new meteor shower, named the Camelopardalids (say that three times fast), and the world of astronomy was anxiously awaiting its arrival. No one knew exactly what to expect; the intensity of the meteor shower would depend on the comet's activity levels during the 1800s. The shower was best seen from North America, and it was a clear night. I had to take a look.

Unfortunately, my meteor shower watching had a few kinks. Namely, I had completely forgotten that the shower was happening until midnight, when I saw a tweet from NASA. While the shower was not expected to peak until 2:00AM, I didn't think my parents would accept "but there was a meteor shower!!" as an excuse for driving off in the middle of the night without first letting them know my whereabouts. No matter, I had a backyard, I had a blanket, and I had a dream. A dream that I, too, could watch pretty shooting stars. 

I crept quietly downstairs, slipped on my shoes, and went out the back door. I set up camp in the middle of my backyard. Unfortunately, my backyard is in the middle of a suburban neighborhood outside a very small city. Light pollution interferes with most stargazing activities. My backyard is also surrounded by trees. After my eyes adjusted to the night, I realized the radiant for the shower was conveniently obscured by trees. I'm tenacious, so I decided to watch anyway.

The night was beautiful, warm and clear. My last attempt at meteor shower watching had been during the Geminids, and I probably left that venture with mild frostbite. I had been in a darker area, and saw several glorious meteors, so it was entirely worth it. Do I really need appendages?

This night was different. A cool breeze rustled through the trees, and fireflies twinkled along with the stars. The last vestiges of evening clouds dissipated and the sky was clear. The wind was musical and alive. I could hear horned owls in the distance. It was all so lovely that I almost fell asleep. When the wind died down and the night's music ceased, I turned to Jack Johnson to fill the void. "Constellations" was an appropriate song for the morning. 

I stayed out for about an hour, saw one bright meteor and thought I saw several other faint ones. Lying out under the stars on such a lovely night lulled me into a very drowsy state, and I returned to my room so I wouldn't wake up confused in the middle of my yard. I didn't make it to the peak of the shower, but no matter, these things happen on a regular basis.

To ensure the best meteor shower watching conditions possible, I'm beginning preparations for the Perseids now. I've got the date on my calendar, and I'll scout out dark areas, pack the blankets and lawn chairs, and maybe even gather some friends between now and August. 

I love these natural fireworks. I love the uncertainty and the surprise that comes with meteor showers. I love looking at NASA's photographs from space. I love the night. In the words of Vincent Van Gogh, "I often think the night is more alive and richly colored than the day." I love gazing deep into the infinite cosmos, pondering life and its nuances. If any man asked me to go on a stargazing date complete with discussing the great unknown and acoustic guitar music, I would probably... Not finish this sentence because my mother reads my blog. Hi, Mom! 

I could wax on philosophic about my fascination with the night sky, but I'll end this rambling mess with the impeccable Oscar Wilde.

Acute Inflammation of the Senior

AP Exams are over. Busy work will henceforth reign supreme. My graduation robe has been staring me down for the past few weeks as it hangs on my closet door. I learned that there is no good way to wear a mortarboard without looking ridiculous. Classes are progressively more boring. I'm supposed to be doing actual work right now. I check my graduation countdown 17.36 times a day on average.

I have made a diagnosis. I am suffering from acute inflammation of the senior, better known as "Senioritis."

This is entirely accurate

It is a feeling that develops between February and May of your senior year of high school. You may claim to have senioritis before then, but it is not true senioritis. True senioritis is when you have been accepted to college and are mentally checking out of high school. True senioritis is when AP exams are over and you know that you have 30 days of busy work separating you from the all important diploma. True senioritis is an utter lack of motivation to do said busy work. True senioritis is a malcontent and longing for action so strong that you become incapacitated and end up watching 6 episodes of Breaking Bad on Netflix in one evening.

Senioritis is a limbo. I am so close to summer that I can taste the sunscreen. I am removed from the petty concerns of high school. I am tired of assignments that have to be given so teachers can pretend they were doing something productive for the lat month of school. Heck, I even wore athletic shorts and t-shirts for two straight weeks. Senioritis is a serious condition.

I've had ample time to reflect on my high school career: what I did wrong, what I did right, and what I can improve. I've got such wild dreams about college that I'm sure I'll experience a slight twinge of disappointment when I arrive. I've perused my university's list of activities and organizations. I've looked at the events going on in my new home city this autumn. I've even started boxing up the mementos of childhood that collect dust in my room.

There are less than 100 days until I move out. Honestly, as excited as I am, there is some apprehension. I've never been away from home on my own for more than one week at a time - how will I do living in a different state for 10 months? Will I quickly become adjusted? Will I cry myself to sleep for a month because I'm homesick?

Ha! I never cry!

I realize that I've never actually had to be independent. Sure, I've had independence of thought, but my parents have always paid bills, and fixed any major problems. I'll actually have to budget. I'll have to manage my diet, my bank account, my sleep schedule, my study time. I'll have to move out of my NYC studio apartment sized bedroom to a 500 square foot room I share with someone else. I'll have to use a communal bathroom. The horror. 

I don't always think I'm ready, but I'm as ready as I'll ever be. I am malcontent and restless in this phase of my life - it is time to move on.

Furman University, I'm on my way!

The Best Mumford

The best Mumford is unreleased Mumford.

You may or may not know of my love for folk and bluegrass music. I grew up listening to my father playing traditional bluegrass music. I hated it. I thought the singers sounded like drowning cats and I couldn't comprehend why anyone would want to listen to a mandolin, of all instruments. Luckily for me, a new generation of folk artists emerged. A generation with a sense of pitch and tone; a generation that made mandolins sound amazing. The Avett Brothers, Old Crow Medicine Show, Chatham County Line, and others embody this nouveau-traditional plus movement. And the band to arguably achieve the greatest prominence and success is a little band originating in West London that goes by the name of Mumford & Sons.

Note: Not Marcus Mumford's actual sons

Most people are familiar with their amazing studio albums, Sigh No More and Babel. I won't pretend to be a music critic or provide reviews. I have a treasure far greater.

You see, Mumford & Sons have many officially unreleased songs. Some are covers, some are early projects, some are separate side projects, and all are amazing. 

My favorite unreleased Mumford song is a Marcus Mumford solo song called "You Ain't No Sailor."

Best line: "My heart wants to go one way/My mind don't agree

'Cause they, they have fallen out recently"

I'll forgive the grammatical error in the name of musical expression and flow. Seriously though, this is one of Mumford's most quotable lyrics. Oh, the profundity!

And it keeps getting better! Check out this funny little ditty that Mumford & Sons performed live around 2010-11. 

Best Line: every verse

I'm not even going to type any of the lyrics, because they are all amusing and I'll spoil your fun. Not your traditional love ballad!

Mumford & Sons also are part of a collaborative group called The Wedding Band (clever) that released a 4 track EP called The First Dance. Here's a sample!

Best line: 'Cause oh my girl I love everything you do

You and me make a pretty fine pair too

Second best line: instrumental interlude

I could dance to this.

If you like it, you can download the EP for free on the Mumford & Sons blog. Thanks, guys!

There are many more little Mumford treasures in existence, for which I am eternally grateful. "Wretched Man", another Marcus Mumford solo song, covers of "Tessellate" and "Go To Sleep", and true Mumford & Sons songs like "The Banjolin Song" and "Sister" are some other brilliant ones to check out if you haven't already compulsively stalked any recording on the internet featuring Marcus Mumford's voice. 

Enjoy!

Eurovision 2014

If you are an American, you may or may not know/care about the annual Eurovision Song Contest. Basically, Eurovision is a song writing contest held every year in Europe. It was started in the 1950's to build relationships transcending political disputes through the power of music. Eligibility is based on being located within the European Broadcasting Area. Each eligible nation submits an original song, and the individuals representing each nation perform on stage. The public and a panel of jurors votes on the songs, and the nation with the most points wins! Simple!

Though the competition claims to transcend politics, it is a little bit political. The biggest financial backers of the competition automatically advance to the final. These so-called Big Five are the UK, Spain, Germany, France, and Italy. Nations will sometimes boycott the competition when a dispute is going on. This year, Russia's performers, two lovely 17 year old twins, were booed merely because they represented Russia.

Here are the highlights from Eurovision 2014.

Eurovision 2014 was won by Austria, represented by Conchita Wurst singing a song entitled "Rise Like a Phoenix." It sounds like it could be a James Bond theme song. Of lesser importance, Conchita Wurst happens to be a bearded drag queen.

France submitted this atrocity. I think it came in last place, with 2 points. Lucky for France they automatically advance to the finals.

The Netherlands can do folk music! This song was my personal favorite from the competition.

Denmark cloned Bruno Mars and sent this delight to the show.

Sweden had this powerful vocalist. I think she could have won.

Poland attempted to win with boobs. They claimed that this was "ironic."

There you have it! My highlights from Eurovision 2014. I look forward to seeing what next year's competition has to offer!

Contradictions

It is possible that I could be considered "opinionated." I have absolutely no idea what might give rise to such allegations. I like to ask questions, some silly and some profound (or perhaps slightly less silly). I like to debate, and by debate I mean argue until you are convinced of my correctness or you prove that I am utterly wrong - at which point I grudgingly admit defeat and demonstrate my superior intellect with a random fact only useful for winning Jeopardy. 

My most recent thoughts, questions, and arguments have revolved around a few issues, namely religion and politics. My mother suggests that I read "How to Win Friends and Influence People" but small talk isn't nearly as entertaining.

Another issue has captured my interest of late. I have noticed that people are full of contradictions.

Brilliant deduction, I know

These are not superficial contradictions, like girls who claim to love men who are tall, dark and handsome, yet perpetually date lithe blonde men. These contradictions go to the very core of a person's beliefs, and while I know I am guilty of the same I am amazed at my mind's ability to rationalize such differences.

One example is abortion and capital punishment. As a general trend, people who support abortion are opposed to capital punishment, and people who oppose abortion support capital punishment. I can think of many staunch conservatives who believe life starts at conception and "killing babies" is heinous, but have no problem with killing someone who committed a crime. I can think of many staunch liberals who support a woman's right of choice, to rid herself of an unwanted fetus if she so desires, yet strongly oppose the death penalty because killing people is wrong.

Apparently my thought was not original

To me, these two issues seem to revolve around one central issue: The Sanctity of Life.

What justifies or does not justify the taking of a life? Is an unborn life worth more or less than a guilty life? Does killing someone who killed someone atone for the original killing or just add to the cycle of murder? How do we define "life" and how much do we value it?

I would think that someone who believes human life is sacred and inviolable from conception would oppose the taking of human life under any circumstances. I would also think that someone who has no opposition to the termination of a young life or guilty life would have no opposition to the opposite case. 

Another example is smallpox and gun control. 

Smallpox and gun control? You may ask, This is ridiculous, the two are completely different!

No, my friend, this is where my particular brand of crazy draws a parallel.

NPR recently ran a story about the last remaining stores of smallpox, and whether or not they should be destroyed. Basically, the argument goes something along the lines of "smallpox killed more people than all other disease combined, we have eradicated it from the world, we have developed an effective vaccine in the event of another breakout, and there probably won't be another outbreak if we destroy the last live samples." And do you know what argument was used to justify not destroying smallpox? I quote: "If smallpox is outlawed, only outlaws will have smallpox."

Another group who frequently touts this phrase is known as the NRA. Countless times, I have seen the phrase "If guns are outlawed, only criminals will have guns." used to oppose any form of gun control. In this instance, the statement has little effect, with many articles showing exactly why such a general statement is a logical fallacy. [Side Note: Both sides of the debate seem to forget that of the nearly 32,000 firearm related deaths each year, 61% are suicides.]

The contradiction here is that a highly generalized statement, used in two contexts, has two very different reactions. If X is outlawed, only outlaws will have X. In the case of smallpox, the statement is used to justify not destroying one of the most deadly viruses known to man, and no one questions the fallacy. In the case of gun control, many people point out the issues with the statement, and continue to push for stricter laws. The people who call the fallacy out on one side are not the people who call the fallacy out on the other. 

I could go on, but human nature is so full of contradictions that I would end up writing a novel. Humans are capable of writing symphonies, producing art, exploring science and nature and the universe. Humans are capable of genocide and destruction and death. Humans can be so engrossed in themselves and their own problems, and at the same time care about the fate of the world. Humans are so mixed up that I am utterly convinced there is a god, somewhere, laughing at the funny little creatures he made because heaven doesn't have soap operas. 

Foolish mortals AHAHAHAHA

FU ONE TIME, FU TWO TIMES, FU THREE TIMES...

...FU ALL THE TIME

The wait is over. After months of agonizing over tests, essays, grades, and everything else college-related, I have committed. I was accepted, I visited, I approved, and I committed. Ladies and Gentlemen, I am pleased to announce that this fall I will matriculate at Furman University. Whoo! 

It's time to invest in purple everything. Time to make sure all my worst enemies know that one of my college's football chants is FU ALL THE TIME. Time to actually develop study habits. Go Paladins! 

Spring Break 2014

Gather around, children, let me tell you a tale.

This is the story of spring break 2014.

"They are not long, the days of wine and college beach parties" - Ernest Dowson

The tale starts in January, when I decided it would be fun to take a college course to pass the time. Naturally, this college had spring break in March, so two of the five precious days of my parole were spent getting up at 7:00 AM for a 8:00 AM college class. This, combined with my siblings' school being out the previous week meant no family vacation to the beach.

This would not stop me from having an amazing spring break! No, this was only a challenge, for bigger and better spring break plans.

Easter Sunday was the official kick-off to my exciting week. I actually attended church. I had the unique distinction of being the only female under 60 wearing a hat. 

Quite charmingly, too

I spent the night at my grandmother's house. On Monday, I helped her clean out her attic. I have never seen so many vintage Christmas decorations and 70's clothes. We filled her entire car with things that needed to go to Goodwill. For my assistance I got $40 and two of the best, most tacky Christmas sweaters I have ever seen. I will forever treasure them for themed parties.

On Tuesday, I had to endure the endless blathering (by endless I mean 1 hour and 15 minutes) of my Western Civilization II professor. He enjoys referring to his unemployed 30 some year old son as a "little shit" and his son's girlfriend as "that hussy." I think he has some unresolved family issues. In the afternoon, I went to a local park. I began volunteering with a local charity, Angels In Need, that pairs "normal" teenagers with special needs children, in a buddy system, and they do activities on a regular basis. I met my buddy and his mother at the park, and spent an hour and a half playing with him. And by playing, I mean chasing him as he tried to escape the confines of the playground, and pushing him on the swings. It was fun! And that is honestly not sarcasm.

Wednesday was a big day. I had arranged with my little sister to take her hiking in Stone Mountain State Park to see the waterfalls. We woke up early, and hiking shoes and backpacks on, headed for the mountains. We walked down hundreds of stairs only to spend two minutes enjoying the largest of the waterfalls. She was ready to move on. 

Boring!

We then proceeded to hike to the two other waterfalls, all before lunch. Along the way, I learned that my sister was making a rock collection. This meant that I had to lug multiple chunks of granite around in my backpack. On our way to one waterfall, I had to take off my shoes and wade across a stream, carrying my sister. The water was frigid against my bare feet. 9 year old children are surprisingly heavy. At another fall, we discovered a ledge of about 2 feet wide, covered in water and occasional clumps of moss. We naturally had to inch along it, claiming to be Indiana Jones himself.  As we made the arduous hike back to the car, my sister probably vowed never to let me choose the hiking route again. We finished out the day relaxing with a picnic at the Homestead, and people watching the others who had spent their day enjoying the beauties of nature. 

The glories of nature

Oh yes, Wednesday was also the day I discovered I had allergies! This discovery took place in the large rash that spread across my upper thighs and buttocks when I got home. It was not poison oak or ivy, and I still do not know what caused it. I only know that I had to sleep on my stomach for the next few days.

Thursday morning, I woke up for my college class in pain. The rash was crusty and inflamed and painful, and walking was a challenge. I am a sissy so I made the executive decision to go back to sleep. I spent the day lying on my stomach, complaining about the rash and attempting to come up with witticisms based on my last name (which happens to be Rash).

Friday was the big day. The rash had relinquished power, and I could walk normally. I was all set to get my hippie on and go to MerleFest. Old Crow Medicine Show was appearing, and I simply had to see them live. MerleFest 2014 did not disappoint. I went with me myself and I, but I didn't mind, because I could see exactly who I wanted to see and was able to set up camp at the front of general seating. I ate redneck Thai food. I stalked Ketch Secor after he made an appearance with another band a few hours before the OCMS showing, and forced a grouchy security guard to take my picture with him. I listened to a lot of banjo picking. I took a nap. And then, the glorious moment came. Old Crow Medicine Show was live. And they were amazing. I danced embarrassingly and sang along with Wagon Wheel and Caroline. I discovered the limitations of a phone camera at 9:00 at night. I bought an overpriced t-shirt to show my new-found unconditional love for the band.

ROCK ME MAMA

It was a glorious concert.

And thus ends my tale of spring break. It was a spring break full of learning. A spring break full of mountains. A spring break full of uncomfortable rashes, bluegrass music festivals, and tacky sweaters. A spring break of stories. A spring break off the beaten path. A spring break without beaches and tans. A spring break no one wanted to hear about the next week at school. A spring break I thoroughly enjoyed.