It's been a busy summer.
Forced to get a job, I found employment as a summer nanny. My duties include entertaining the child, preparing his lunch, and basic housework. Oh, yeah, the child has autism and his home is expected to be spotless.
 |
| "Make sure the cleaner doesn't leave any streaks!" |
I've learned many valuable lessons over the summer, which I shall describe for you in painful detail.
1) The best form of birth control is watching other people's children
Seriously. Babysit some rugrats for 12 hours and you'll never want to have any of your own. Children are messy and whiny and needy and unintentionally funny but are still basically home wreckers. Nice furnishings become tarnished by Sharpie marks; jacuzzis are invaded by rubber ducks and other bath toys. The only thing you get to watch on television is Sesame Street or Bubble Guppies. NOT COOL.
2) Never underestimate the power of poop
As a sophisticated American, I never talk about my bowel movements unless I'm having stomach ailments and need to discuss the matter with my doctor. And even then I use euphemisms. Once you're a parent? Poop is the most interesting topic in the world.
"DID MY CHILD POOP TODAY?" is a surprisingly common question in the nannying world.
I keep up with pooping habits, I change diapers, and I discuss these things freely with parents who discuss these things freely amongst themselves. Shit, man, who knew?
3) Feeling like a service instead of a person hurts
I'd never experienced being "useful." I've always been introduced to people and exchanged pleasantries with them, even if they were professionals meeting with my parents or other adults. As a nanny? You're lucky to get an introduction. If a friend of the parent is around, you are expected to be in the background, or out of sight (preferably out of sight). You are there to watch their child, not to be introduced to this friend or that friend. And it stings, you know? A simple acknowledgment of my existence as a person, not a child-watching machine, is all I ask. PLEASE. FOR MY FRAGILE EGO.
4) Anti-Dr. Phil or: how I learned to shut up and keep my opinions to myself
This one was particularly hard for me. I'm an opinionated person. I love a good debate. I like to stick my two cents in every coin slot around. However, in the nanny life, this is not acceptable. Your employer does not want to hear a recent high school graduate's opinion on their life; they want someone to listen to their problems and then watch their child. The household I'm working in has undergone some serious changes, and I've been present for many of them. I've observed them first hand, and heard the biased grievances later. Do I ever point out that one party may actually be in the wrong, or one version of events does not match my memory of what happened? HAHA no. I value my paycheck. And so, I shut up and keep my opinions to myself.
5) The value of work
Lest you fear that I've suddenly developed a work ethic (I haven't - no worries), allow me to explain. All summers before this summer had passed in a halcyon haze of laziness, lounging by the pool, reading, and Netflix. It was a time of sheer nothingness that I looked forward to every year. Then I had to get up, every Monday through Friday, to work an 8 hour shift on child watch. I complained. I was always tired. I would brew 3 cups of coffee in the morning and be tired again by 2:00. And then, I got a break. The family went on a week long vacation, and my services were not required. I returned to the haze of Netflix and online shopping. And it sucked. I was so bored. My days were aimless, purposeless, structureless. I found myself voluntarily doing chores and going grocery shopping, just for something to do. I learned that having something to work on, to add structure and purpose to your days, is invaluable. Otherwise, you end up drinking coffee in your pajamas and re-watching Breaking Bad for a week. I really need a new hobby...
6) Money is a joyful thing
My parents played this summer job thing wrong. They agreed to pay for all my gas, and are naturally still funding my food, car insurance, cell phone, and utility bills. As such, my entire weekly paycheck could be spent directly on me. Attempting to budget, I set aside 2/3 of each paycheck in savings, and have been very good about not touching that account. Yet. However, having the other 1/3 to spend as I wish has been such great fun. No longer must I ask permission before buying shoes on the internet! That novelty T-shirt you thought was so silly? HA, Mom, bought it myself - it'll be here in 3-5 business days. Strange beauty products that were probably tested on animals? Eh, I'll give it a try - here, cashier, my debit card awaits!
Apparently, in the real world, cash flow is diminished by perpetual bills and student loan debts. Not this summer, baby - wardrobes will be built from the ashes of my bank account!
7) There is one reasonable solution to reconcile these experiences
Marry rich and hire a nanny to watch your own stupid children while your job consists of society events and yachting.
 |
| "Now I ain't sayin' she a gold digger..." |
