How to Win Babes and Influence People, Part 1

Ladies and Gentlemen, Single people of all ages! 

Gather round, and I shall teach you precisely how to win your beloved's heart. I am entirely qualified to do this, as "those who can, do; those who can't, teach." 

The first step in forming any relationship is to make contact and establish interest. There are several methods by which this objective can be accomplished.

One method is through song. Serenade your beloved with a melody that will convey the depth of your devotion. Suggested songs: 

"Let Me Take You Out" by Bryan J. feat. Travis Porter

"New Virginia Creeper" by Old Crow Medicine Show

"Night Vision Binoculars" by Passenger

"Run For Your Life" by The Beatles

"The Stalker" by Piebald

Another method is through casual, witty conversation. Let the intensity of your interest be apparent through your clever dialogue. Liberally use the following lines at any possible occasion: 

A third method is the cunning use of a flash mob. Seek out your beloved's weekly planner, and determine when they will be in a public place. Recruit willing strangers to be your backup dancers. When your beloved arrives, break out into the choreographed song and dance routine. Bestow upon your beloved a small gift, like flowers, chocolates, or a new BMW. They will be stunned, flattered, and 110% more in love with you. Sky writing will suffice as an alternate, should willing flash mob participants be unavailable. 

The next step in establishing your relationship is to spend time with your beloved. Traditionally, this takes place in the form of a "date." You, noble conqueror, are anything but traditional, and thus the notion of a simple coffee shop rendezvous is repulsive. No, you are far more interesting. First date suggestions include bear wrestling, spelunking, BASE jumping, a camping trip to Alaska, a Klan meeting, or a wedding planner's office. Each of these creative first date ideas will show your beloved what an interesting person you are. They will love getting to know the real you!  

After being duly impressed by your bear wrestling skills or exquisite taste in floral arrangements, your beloved should be ready to make things "official." If not, no matter. You will ask in this manner:

There is no way out. Your beloved is yours!

Follow this simple three-step method to win your beloved's heart! 60% of the time, it works all of the time!

Tune in next time to learn about effective proposals and how to choose your first three childrens' names!

Stars, Hide Your Fires

I've always been fascinated by stars.

When I lost my first baby tooth, instead of $5 the tooth fairy left a kids' astronomy kit.

I had yet to develop an avaricious streak

I remember that the kit had a guide to all the major constellations, and books about the solar system and comets and the formation of stars. I poured over those little books; I no longer have them primarily because I wore them to pieces.

I even went through a phase where I wanted to be an astronaut. That was before I realized my myopia basically disqualified me from even trying, and that physics sucks.

The only appropriate use of physics is in inappropriate pickup lines

Last night, the Earth passed through a debris cloud left by comet 209P/LINEAR in the 1800s. This was a new meteor shower, named the Camelopardalids (say that three times fast), and the world of astronomy was anxiously awaiting its arrival. No one knew exactly what to expect; the intensity of the meteor shower would depend on the comet's activity levels during the 1800s. The shower was best seen from North America, and it was a clear night. I had to take a look.

Unfortunately, my meteor shower watching had a few kinks. Namely, I had completely forgotten that the shower was happening until midnight, when I saw a tweet from NASA. While the shower was not expected to peak until 2:00AM, I didn't think my parents would accept "but there was a meteor shower!!" as an excuse for driving off in the middle of the night without first letting them know my whereabouts. No matter, I had a backyard, I had a blanket, and I had a dream. A dream that I, too, could watch pretty shooting stars. 

I crept quietly downstairs, slipped on my shoes, and went out the back door. I set up camp in the middle of my backyard. Unfortunately, my backyard is in the middle of a suburban neighborhood outside a very small city. Light pollution interferes with most stargazing activities. My backyard is also surrounded by trees. After my eyes adjusted to the night, I realized the radiant for the shower was conveniently obscured by trees. I'm tenacious, so I decided to watch anyway.

The night was beautiful, warm and clear. My last attempt at meteor shower watching had been during the Geminids, and I probably left that venture with mild frostbite. I had been in a darker area, and saw several glorious meteors, so it was entirely worth it. Do I really need appendages?

This night was different. A cool breeze rustled through the trees, and fireflies twinkled along with the stars. The last vestiges of evening clouds dissipated and the sky was clear. The wind was musical and alive. I could hear horned owls in the distance. It was all so lovely that I almost fell asleep. When the wind died down and the night's music ceased, I turned to Jack Johnson to fill the void. "Constellations" was an appropriate song for the morning. 

I stayed out for about an hour, saw one bright meteor and thought I saw several other faint ones. Lying out under the stars on such a lovely night lulled me into a very drowsy state, and I returned to my room so I wouldn't wake up confused in the middle of my yard. I didn't make it to the peak of the shower, but no matter, these things happen on a regular basis.

To ensure the best meteor shower watching conditions possible, I'm beginning preparations for the Perseids now. I've got the date on my calendar, and I'll scout out dark areas, pack the blankets and lawn chairs, and maybe even gather some friends between now and August. 

I love these natural fireworks. I love the uncertainty and the surprise that comes with meteor showers. I love looking at NASA's photographs from space. I love the night. In the words of Vincent Van Gogh, "I often think the night is more alive and richly colored than the day." I love gazing deep into the infinite cosmos, pondering life and its nuances. If any man asked me to go on a stargazing date complete with discussing the great unknown and acoustic guitar music, I would probably... Not finish this sentence because my mother reads my blog. Hi, Mom! 

I could wax on philosophic about my fascination with the night sky, but I'll end this rambling mess with the impeccable Oscar Wilde.

Acute Inflammation of the Senior

AP Exams are over. Busy work will henceforth reign supreme. My graduation robe has been staring me down for the past few weeks as it hangs on my closet door. I learned that there is no good way to wear a mortarboard without looking ridiculous. Classes are progressively more boring. I'm supposed to be doing actual work right now. I check my graduation countdown 17.36 times a day on average.

I have made a diagnosis. I am suffering from acute inflammation of the senior, better known as "Senioritis."

This is entirely accurate

It is a feeling that develops between February and May of your senior year of high school. You may claim to have senioritis before then, but it is not true senioritis. True senioritis is when you have been accepted to college and are mentally checking out of high school. True senioritis is when AP exams are over and you know that you have 30 days of busy work separating you from the all important diploma. True senioritis is an utter lack of motivation to do said busy work. True senioritis is a malcontent and longing for action so strong that you become incapacitated and end up watching 6 episodes of Breaking Bad on Netflix in one evening.

Senioritis is a limbo. I am so close to summer that I can taste the sunscreen. I am removed from the petty concerns of high school. I am tired of assignments that have to be given so teachers can pretend they were doing something productive for the lat month of school. Heck, I even wore athletic shorts and t-shirts for two straight weeks. Senioritis is a serious condition.

I've had ample time to reflect on my high school career: what I did wrong, what I did right, and what I can improve. I've got such wild dreams about college that I'm sure I'll experience a slight twinge of disappointment when I arrive. I've perused my university's list of activities and organizations. I've looked at the events going on in my new home city this autumn. I've even started boxing up the mementos of childhood that collect dust in my room.

There are less than 100 days until I move out. Honestly, as excited as I am, there is some apprehension. I've never been away from home on my own for more than one week at a time - how will I do living in a different state for 10 months? Will I quickly become adjusted? Will I cry myself to sleep for a month because I'm homesick?

Ha! I never cry!

I realize that I've never actually had to be independent. Sure, I've had independence of thought, but my parents have always paid bills, and fixed any major problems. I'll actually have to budget. I'll have to manage my diet, my bank account, my sleep schedule, my study time. I'll have to move out of my NYC studio apartment sized bedroom to a 500 square foot room I share with someone else. I'll have to use a communal bathroom. The horror. 

I don't always think I'm ready, but I'm as ready as I'll ever be. I am malcontent and restless in this phase of my life - it is time to move on.

Furman University, I'm on my way!

The Best Mumford

The best Mumford is unreleased Mumford.

You may or may not know of my love for folk and bluegrass music. I grew up listening to my father playing traditional bluegrass music. I hated it. I thought the singers sounded like drowning cats and I couldn't comprehend why anyone would want to listen to a mandolin, of all instruments. Luckily for me, a new generation of folk artists emerged. A generation with a sense of pitch and tone; a generation that made mandolins sound amazing. The Avett Brothers, Old Crow Medicine Show, Chatham County Line, and others embody this nouveau-traditional plus movement. And the band to arguably achieve the greatest prominence and success is a little band originating in West London that goes by the name of Mumford & Sons.

Note: Not Marcus Mumford's actual sons

Most people are familiar with their amazing studio albums, Sigh No More and Babel. I won't pretend to be a music critic or provide reviews. I have a treasure far greater.

You see, Mumford & Sons have many officially unreleased songs. Some are covers, some are early projects, some are separate side projects, and all are amazing. 

My favorite unreleased Mumford song is a Marcus Mumford solo song called "You Ain't No Sailor."

Best line: "My heart wants to go one way/My mind don't agree

'Cause they, they have fallen out recently"

I'll forgive the grammatical error in the name of musical expression and flow. Seriously though, this is one of Mumford's most quotable lyrics. Oh, the profundity!

And it keeps getting better! Check out this funny little ditty that Mumford & Sons performed live around 2010-11. 

Best Line: every verse

I'm not even going to type any of the lyrics, because they are all amusing and I'll spoil your fun. Not your traditional love ballad!

Mumford & Sons also are part of a collaborative group called The Wedding Band (clever) that released a 4 track EP called The First Dance. Here's a sample!

Best line: 'Cause oh my girl I love everything you do

You and me make a pretty fine pair too

Second best line: instrumental interlude

I could dance to this.

If you like it, you can download the EP for free on the Mumford & Sons blog. Thanks, guys!

There are many more little Mumford treasures in existence, for which I am eternally grateful. "Wretched Man", another Marcus Mumford solo song, covers of "Tessellate" and "Go To Sleep", and true Mumford & Sons songs like "The Banjolin Song" and "Sister" are some other brilliant ones to check out if you haven't already compulsively stalked any recording on the internet featuring Marcus Mumford's voice. 

Enjoy!

Eurovision 2014

If you are an American, you may or may not know/care about the annual Eurovision Song Contest. Basically, Eurovision is a song writing contest held every year in Europe. It was started in the 1950's to build relationships transcending political disputes through the power of music. Eligibility is based on being located within the European Broadcasting Area. Each eligible nation submits an original song, and the individuals representing each nation perform on stage. The public and a panel of jurors votes on the songs, and the nation with the most points wins! Simple!

Though the competition claims to transcend politics, it is a little bit political. The biggest financial backers of the competition automatically advance to the final. These so-called Big Five are the UK, Spain, Germany, France, and Italy. Nations will sometimes boycott the competition when a dispute is going on. This year, Russia's performers, two lovely 17 year old twins, were booed merely because they represented Russia.

Here are the highlights from Eurovision 2014.

Eurovision 2014 was won by Austria, represented by Conchita Wurst singing a song entitled "Rise Like a Phoenix." It sounds like it could be a James Bond theme song. Of lesser importance, Conchita Wurst happens to be a bearded drag queen.

France submitted this atrocity. I think it came in last place, with 2 points. Lucky for France they automatically advance to the finals.

The Netherlands can do folk music! This song was my personal favorite from the competition.

Denmark cloned Bruno Mars and sent this delight to the show.

Sweden had this powerful vocalist. I think she could have won.

Poland attempted to win with boobs. They claimed that this was "ironic."

There you have it! My highlights from Eurovision 2014. I look forward to seeing what next year's competition has to offer!

Contradictions

It is possible that I could be considered "opinionated." I have absolutely no idea what might give rise to such allegations. I like to ask questions, some silly and some profound (or perhaps slightly less silly). I like to debate, and by debate I mean argue until you are convinced of my correctness or you prove that I am utterly wrong - at which point I grudgingly admit defeat and demonstrate my superior intellect with a random fact only useful for winning Jeopardy. 

My most recent thoughts, questions, and arguments have revolved around a few issues, namely religion and politics. My mother suggests that I read "How to Win Friends and Influence People" but small talk isn't nearly as entertaining.

Another issue has captured my interest of late. I have noticed that people are full of contradictions.

Brilliant deduction, I know

These are not superficial contradictions, like girls who claim to love men who are tall, dark and handsome, yet perpetually date lithe blonde men. These contradictions go to the very core of a person's beliefs, and while I know I am guilty of the same I am amazed at my mind's ability to rationalize such differences.

One example is abortion and capital punishment. As a general trend, people who support abortion are opposed to capital punishment, and people who oppose abortion support capital punishment. I can think of many staunch conservatives who believe life starts at conception and "killing babies" is heinous, but have no problem with killing someone who committed a crime. I can think of many staunch liberals who support a woman's right of choice, to rid herself of an unwanted fetus if she so desires, yet strongly oppose the death penalty because killing people is wrong.

Apparently my thought was not original

To me, these two issues seem to revolve around one central issue: The Sanctity of Life.

What justifies or does not justify the taking of a life? Is an unborn life worth more or less than a guilty life? Does killing someone who killed someone atone for the original killing or just add to the cycle of murder? How do we define "life" and how much do we value it?

I would think that someone who believes human life is sacred and inviolable from conception would oppose the taking of human life under any circumstances. I would also think that someone who has no opposition to the termination of a young life or guilty life would have no opposition to the opposite case. 

Another example is smallpox and gun control. 

Smallpox and gun control? You may ask, This is ridiculous, the two are completely different!

No, my friend, this is where my particular brand of crazy draws a parallel.

NPR recently ran a story about the last remaining stores of smallpox, and whether or not they should be destroyed. Basically, the argument goes something along the lines of "smallpox killed more people than all other disease combined, we have eradicated it from the world, we have developed an effective vaccine in the event of another breakout, and there probably won't be another outbreak if we destroy the last live samples." And do you know what argument was used to justify not destroying smallpox? I quote: "If smallpox is outlawed, only outlaws will have smallpox."

Another group who frequently touts this phrase is known as the NRA. Countless times, I have seen the phrase "If guns are outlawed, only criminals will have guns." used to oppose any form of gun control. In this instance, the statement has little effect, with many articles showing exactly why such a general statement is a logical fallacy. [Side Note: Both sides of the debate seem to forget that of the nearly 32,000 firearm related deaths each year, 61% are suicides.]

The contradiction here is that a highly generalized statement, used in two contexts, has two very different reactions. If X is outlawed, only outlaws will have X. In the case of smallpox, the statement is used to justify not destroying one of the most deadly viruses known to man, and no one questions the fallacy. In the case of gun control, many people point out the issues with the statement, and continue to push for stricter laws. The people who call the fallacy out on one side are not the people who call the fallacy out on the other. 

I could go on, but human nature is so full of contradictions that I would end up writing a novel. Humans are capable of writing symphonies, producing art, exploring science and nature and the universe. Humans are capable of genocide and destruction and death. Humans can be so engrossed in themselves and their own problems, and at the same time care about the fate of the world. Humans are so mixed up that I am utterly convinced there is a god, somewhere, laughing at the funny little creatures he made because heaven doesn't have soap operas. 

Foolish mortals AHAHAHAHA

FU ONE TIME, FU TWO TIMES, FU THREE TIMES...

...FU ALL THE TIME

The wait is over. After months of agonizing over tests, essays, grades, and everything else college-related, I have committed. I was accepted, I visited, I approved, and I committed. Ladies and Gentlemen, I am pleased to announce that this fall I will matriculate at Furman University. Whoo! 

It's time to invest in purple everything. Time to make sure all my worst enemies know that one of my college's football chants is FU ALL THE TIME. Time to actually develop study habits. Go Paladins!