The Power of Poop

It's been a busy summer.

Forced to get a job, I found employment as a summer nanny. My duties include entertaining the child, preparing his lunch, and basic housework. Oh, yeah, the child has autism and his home is expected to be spotless. 

"Make sure the cleaner doesn't leave any streaks!"

I've learned many valuable lessons over the summer, which I shall describe for you in painful detail.

1) The best form of birth control is watching other people's children

Seriously. Babysit some rugrats for 12 hours and you'll never want to have any of your own. Children are messy and whiny and needy and unintentionally funny but are still basically home wreckers. Nice furnishings become tarnished by Sharpie marks; jacuzzis are invaded by rubber ducks and other bath toys. The only thing you get to watch on television is Sesame Street or Bubble Guppies. NOT COOL.

2) Never underestimate the power of poop

As a sophisticated American, I never talk about my bowel movements unless I'm having stomach ailments and need to discuss the matter with my doctor. And even then I use euphemisms. Once you're a parent? Poop is the most interesting topic in the world. 

"DID MY CHILD POOP TODAY?" is a surprisingly common question in the nannying world.

I keep up with pooping habits, I change diapers, and I discuss these things freely with parents who discuss these things freely amongst themselves. Shit, man, who knew?

3) Feeling like a service instead of a person hurts

I'd never experienced being "useful." I've always been introduced to people and exchanged pleasantries with them, even if they were professionals meeting with my parents or other adults. As a nanny? You're lucky to get an introduction. If a friend of the parent is around, you are expected to be in the background, or out of sight (preferably out of sight). You are there to watch their child, not to be introduced to this friend or that friend. And it stings, you know? A simple acknowledgment of my existence as a person, not a child-watching machine, is all I ask. PLEASE. FOR MY FRAGILE EGO.

4) Anti-Dr. Phil or: how I learned to shut up and keep my opinions to myself

This one was particularly hard for me. I'm an opinionated person. I love a good debate. I like to stick my two cents in every coin slot around. However, in the nanny life, this is not acceptable. Your employer does not want to hear a recent high school graduate's opinion on their life; they want someone to listen to their problems and then watch their child. The household I'm working in has undergone some serious changes, and I've been present for many of them. I've observed them first hand, and heard the biased grievances later. Do I ever point out that one party may actually be in the wrong, or one version of events does not match my memory of what happened? HAHA no. I value my paycheck. And so, I shut up and keep my opinions to myself. 

5) The value of work

Lest you fear that I've suddenly developed a work ethic (I haven't - no worries), allow me to explain. All summers before this summer had passed in a halcyon haze of laziness, lounging by the pool, reading, and Netflix. It was a time of sheer nothingness that I looked forward to every year. Then I had to get up, every Monday through Friday, to work an 8 hour shift on child watch. I complained. I was always tired. I would brew 3 cups of coffee in the morning and be tired again by 2:00. And then, I got a break. The family went on a week long vacation, and my services were not required. I returned to the haze of Netflix and online shopping. And it sucked. I was so bored. My days were aimless, purposeless, structureless. I found myself voluntarily doing chores and going grocery shopping, just for something to do. I learned that having something to work on, to add structure and purpose to your days, is invaluable. Otherwise, you end up drinking coffee in your pajamas and re-watching Breaking Bad for a week. I really need a new hobby...

6) Money is a joyful thing

My parents played this summer job thing wrong. They agreed to pay for all my gas, and are naturally still funding my food, car insurance, cell phone, and utility bills. As such, my entire weekly paycheck could be spent directly on me. Attempting to budget, I set aside 2/3 of each paycheck in savings, and have been very good about not touching that account. Yet. However, having the other 1/3 to spend as I wish has been such great fun. No longer must I ask permission before buying shoes on the internet! That novelty T-shirt you thought was so silly? HA, Mom, bought it myself - it'll be here in 3-5 business days. Strange beauty products that were probably tested on animals? Eh, I'll give it a try - here, cashier, my debit card awaits!

Apparently, in the real world, cash flow is diminished by perpetual bills and student loan debts. Not this summer, baby - wardrobes will be built from the ashes of my bank account!

7) There is one reasonable solution to reconcile these experiences

Marry rich and hire a nanny to watch your own stupid children while your job consists of society events and yachting. 

"Now I ain't sayin' she a gold digger..."

The Fat Man Has Sung

Just listen.

Appreciate the Al Green vibe this band creates. Appreciate the tune that makes you want to dance. Appreciate the lead singer's dancing as he sings the tune that makes you want to dance.

St. Paul and the Broken Bones, everyone. This is my music recommendation for the week.

Graduation Part 1

It's rather late and I still haven't processed the fact that I will never be forced by the government to attend school ever again. As such, this post shall consist merely of pictures from the momentous occasion - thoughts and reflections (or at least stories) to come!

Replacements

Graduation is a mere week away. I am done with high school forever. I leave for college in less than 80 days. And my family has already found my replacement.

Fortunately, they only got one

My family now owns one apricot Australian Labradoodle puppy.

I'd heard of Australia (that continent where nature is trying to kill everyone) and labradoodles, but never together. I'm not sure where the Australian part comes in, but the puppy may be the cutest thing I've ever seen, and I own a lot of mirrors. 

The puppy is magical. Not only is it adorable, it seems to have arrived pre-potty trained. It knows to pee on grass and not on carpets! I'm in awe. 

I'm also mildly embittered. Despite assurances that I'm "irreplaceable," my family chose a dog prettier than I am to fill the void. Australian or not, at least it shall never master my wit!

Puppies aside, this is a season of replacement. My old laptop was replaced with a MacBook Pro. My decrepit backpack was replaced by one from Eagle Creek. My room will be soon replaced by a dorm; my bathroom by a communal watering hole. My mother's cooking will be replaced by dining hall food; my car by a bicycle. 

The thought is scary and exciting and invigorating, all at once. 

In this period of change and replacement, I keep reminding myself of a favorite quote from C.S. Lewis: 

It's time for childhood whimsy to be left behind. Home is behind, the world ahead, and I've got many paths to tread. 

[And Lord of the Rings to quote, but that's a different story]

How to Win Babes and Influence People, Part 1

Ladies and Gentlemen, Single people of all ages! 

Gather round, and I shall teach you precisely how to win your beloved's heart. I am entirely qualified to do this, as "those who can, do; those who can't, teach." 

The first step in forming any relationship is to make contact and establish interest. There are several methods by which this objective can be accomplished.

One method is through song. Serenade your beloved with a melody that will convey the depth of your devotion. Suggested songs: 

"Let Me Take You Out" by Bryan J. feat. Travis Porter

"New Virginia Creeper" by Old Crow Medicine Show

"Night Vision Binoculars" by Passenger

"Run For Your Life" by The Beatles

"The Stalker" by Piebald

Another method is through casual, witty conversation. Let the intensity of your interest be apparent through your clever dialogue. Liberally use the following lines at any possible occasion: 

A third method is the cunning use of a flash mob. Seek out your beloved's weekly planner, and determine when they will be in a public place. Recruit willing strangers to be your backup dancers. When your beloved arrives, break out into the choreographed song and dance routine. Bestow upon your beloved a small gift, like flowers, chocolates, or a new BMW. They will be stunned, flattered, and 110% more in love with you. Sky writing will suffice as an alternate, should willing flash mob participants be unavailable. 

The next step in establishing your relationship is to spend time with your beloved. Traditionally, this takes place in the form of a "date." You, noble conqueror, are anything but traditional, and thus the notion of a simple coffee shop rendezvous is repulsive. No, you are far more interesting. First date suggestions include bear wrestling, spelunking, BASE jumping, a camping trip to Alaska, a Klan meeting, or a wedding planner's office. Each of these creative first date ideas will show your beloved what an interesting person you are. They will love getting to know the real you!  

After being duly impressed by your bear wrestling skills or exquisite taste in floral arrangements, your beloved should be ready to make things "official." If not, no matter. You will ask in this manner:

There is no way out. Your beloved is yours!

Follow this simple three-step method to win your beloved's heart! 60% of the time, it works all of the time!

Tune in next time to learn about effective proposals and how to choose your first three childrens' names!

Stars, Hide Your Fires

I've always been fascinated by stars.

When I lost my first baby tooth, instead of $5 the tooth fairy left a kids' astronomy kit.

I had yet to develop an avaricious streak

I remember that the kit had a guide to all the major constellations, and books about the solar system and comets and the formation of stars. I poured over those little books; I no longer have them primarily because I wore them to pieces.

I even went through a phase where I wanted to be an astronaut. That was before I realized my myopia basically disqualified me from even trying, and that physics sucks.

The only appropriate use of physics is in inappropriate pickup lines

Last night, the Earth passed through a debris cloud left by comet 209P/LINEAR in the 1800s. This was a new meteor shower, named the Camelopardalids (say that three times fast), and the world of astronomy was anxiously awaiting its arrival. No one knew exactly what to expect; the intensity of the meteor shower would depend on the comet's activity levels during the 1800s. The shower was best seen from North America, and it was a clear night. I had to take a look.

Unfortunately, my meteor shower watching had a few kinks. Namely, I had completely forgotten that the shower was happening until midnight, when I saw a tweet from NASA. While the shower was not expected to peak until 2:00AM, I didn't think my parents would accept "but there was a meteor shower!!" as an excuse for driving off in the middle of the night without first letting them know my whereabouts. No matter, I had a backyard, I had a blanket, and I had a dream. A dream that I, too, could watch pretty shooting stars. 

I crept quietly downstairs, slipped on my shoes, and went out the back door. I set up camp in the middle of my backyard. Unfortunately, my backyard is in the middle of a suburban neighborhood outside a very small city. Light pollution interferes with most stargazing activities. My backyard is also surrounded by trees. After my eyes adjusted to the night, I realized the radiant for the shower was conveniently obscured by trees. I'm tenacious, so I decided to watch anyway.

The night was beautiful, warm and clear. My last attempt at meteor shower watching had been during the Geminids, and I probably left that venture with mild frostbite. I had been in a darker area, and saw several glorious meteors, so it was entirely worth it. Do I really need appendages?

This night was different. A cool breeze rustled through the trees, and fireflies twinkled along with the stars. The last vestiges of evening clouds dissipated and the sky was clear. The wind was musical and alive. I could hear horned owls in the distance. It was all so lovely that I almost fell asleep. When the wind died down and the night's music ceased, I turned to Jack Johnson to fill the void. "Constellations" was an appropriate song for the morning. 

I stayed out for about an hour, saw one bright meteor and thought I saw several other faint ones. Lying out under the stars on such a lovely night lulled me into a very drowsy state, and I returned to my room so I wouldn't wake up confused in the middle of my yard. I didn't make it to the peak of the shower, but no matter, these things happen on a regular basis.

To ensure the best meteor shower watching conditions possible, I'm beginning preparations for the Perseids now. I've got the date on my calendar, and I'll scout out dark areas, pack the blankets and lawn chairs, and maybe even gather some friends between now and August. 

I love these natural fireworks. I love the uncertainty and the surprise that comes with meteor showers. I love looking at NASA's photographs from space. I love the night. In the words of Vincent Van Gogh, "I often think the night is more alive and richly colored than the day." I love gazing deep into the infinite cosmos, pondering life and its nuances. If any man asked me to go on a stargazing date complete with discussing the great unknown and acoustic guitar music, I would probably... Not finish this sentence because my mother reads my blog. Hi, Mom! 

I could wax on philosophic about my fascination with the night sky, but I'll end this rambling mess with the impeccable Oscar Wilde.

Acute Inflammation of the Senior

AP Exams are over. Busy work will henceforth reign supreme. My graduation robe has been staring me down for the past few weeks as it hangs on my closet door. I learned that there is no good way to wear a mortarboard without looking ridiculous. Classes are progressively more boring. I'm supposed to be doing actual work right now. I check my graduation countdown 17.36 times a day on average.

I have made a diagnosis. I am suffering from acute inflammation of the senior, better known as "Senioritis."

This is entirely accurate

It is a feeling that develops between February and May of your senior year of high school. You may claim to have senioritis before then, but it is not true senioritis. True senioritis is when you have been accepted to college and are mentally checking out of high school. True senioritis is when AP exams are over and you know that you have 30 days of busy work separating you from the all important diploma. True senioritis is an utter lack of motivation to do said busy work. True senioritis is a malcontent and longing for action so strong that you become incapacitated and end up watching 6 episodes of Breaking Bad on Netflix in one evening.

Senioritis is a limbo. I am so close to summer that I can taste the sunscreen. I am removed from the petty concerns of high school. I am tired of assignments that have to be given so teachers can pretend they were doing something productive for the lat month of school. Heck, I even wore athletic shorts and t-shirts for two straight weeks. Senioritis is a serious condition.

I've had ample time to reflect on my high school career: what I did wrong, what I did right, and what I can improve. I've got such wild dreams about college that I'm sure I'll experience a slight twinge of disappointment when I arrive. I've perused my university's list of activities and organizations. I've looked at the events going on in my new home city this autumn. I've even started boxing up the mementos of childhood that collect dust in my room.

There are less than 100 days until I move out. Honestly, as excited as I am, there is some apprehension. I've never been away from home on my own for more than one week at a time - how will I do living in a different state for 10 months? Will I quickly become adjusted? Will I cry myself to sleep for a month because I'm homesick?

Ha! I never cry!

I realize that I've never actually had to be independent. Sure, I've had independence of thought, but my parents have always paid bills, and fixed any major problems. I'll actually have to budget. I'll have to manage my diet, my bank account, my sleep schedule, my study time. I'll have to move out of my NYC studio apartment sized bedroom to a 500 square foot room I share with someone else. I'll have to use a communal bathroom. The horror. 

I don't always think I'm ready, but I'm as ready as I'll ever be. I am malcontent and restless in this phase of my life - it is time to move on.

Furman University, I'm on my way!

The Best Mumford

The best Mumford is unreleased Mumford.

You may or may not know of my love for folk and bluegrass music. I grew up listening to my father playing traditional bluegrass music. I hated it. I thought the singers sounded like drowning cats and I couldn't comprehend why anyone would want to listen to a mandolin, of all instruments. Luckily for me, a new generation of folk artists emerged. A generation with a sense of pitch and tone; a generation that made mandolins sound amazing. The Avett Brothers, Old Crow Medicine Show, Chatham County Line, and others embody this nouveau-traditional plus movement. And the band to arguably achieve the greatest prominence and success is a little band originating in West London that goes by the name of Mumford & Sons.

Note: Not Marcus Mumford's actual sons

Most people are familiar with their amazing studio albums, Sigh No More and Babel. I won't pretend to be a music critic or provide reviews. I have a treasure far greater.

You see, Mumford & Sons have many officially unreleased songs. Some are covers, some are early projects, some are separate side projects, and all are amazing. 

My favorite unreleased Mumford song is a Marcus Mumford solo song called "You Ain't No Sailor."

Best line: "My heart wants to go one way/My mind don't agree

'Cause they, they have fallen out recently"

I'll forgive the grammatical error in the name of musical expression and flow. Seriously though, this is one of Mumford's most quotable lyrics. Oh, the profundity!

And it keeps getting better! Check out this funny little ditty that Mumford & Sons performed live around 2010-11. 

Best Line: every verse

I'm not even going to type any of the lyrics, because they are all amusing and I'll spoil your fun. Not your traditional love ballad!

Mumford & Sons also are part of a collaborative group called The Wedding Band (clever) that released a 4 track EP called The First Dance. Here's a sample!

Best line: 'Cause oh my girl I love everything you do

You and me make a pretty fine pair too

Second best line: instrumental interlude

I could dance to this.

If you like it, you can download the EP for free on the Mumford & Sons blog. Thanks, guys!

There are many more little Mumford treasures in existence, for which I am eternally grateful. "Wretched Man", another Marcus Mumford solo song, covers of "Tessellate" and "Go To Sleep", and true Mumford & Sons songs like "The Banjolin Song" and "Sister" are some other brilliant ones to check out if you haven't already compulsively stalked any recording on the internet featuring Marcus Mumford's voice. 

Enjoy!

Eurovision 2014

If you are an American, you may or may not know/care about the annual Eurovision Song Contest. Basically, Eurovision is a song writing contest held every year in Europe. It was started in the 1950's to build relationships transcending political disputes through the power of music. Eligibility is based on being located within the European Broadcasting Area. Each eligible nation submits an original song, and the individuals representing each nation perform on stage. The public and a panel of jurors votes on the songs, and the nation with the most points wins! Simple!

Though the competition claims to transcend politics, it is a little bit political. The biggest financial backers of the competition automatically advance to the final. These so-called Big Five are the UK, Spain, Germany, France, and Italy. Nations will sometimes boycott the competition when a dispute is going on. This year, Russia's performers, two lovely 17 year old twins, were booed merely because they represented Russia.

Here are the highlights from Eurovision 2014.

Eurovision 2014 was won by Austria, represented by Conchita Wurst singing a song entitled "Rise Like a Phoenix." It sounds like it could be a James Bond theme song. Of lesser importance, Conchita Wurst happens to be a bearded drag queen.

France submitted this atrocity. I think it came in last place, with 2 points. Lucky for France they automatically advance to the finals.

The Netherlands can do folk music! This song was my personal favorite from the competition.

Denmark cloned Bruno Mars and sent this delight to the show.

Sweden had this powerful vocalist. I think she could have won.

Poland attempted to win with boobs. They claimed that this was "ironic."

There you have it! My highlights from Eurovision 2014. I look forward to seeing what next year's competition has to offer!

Contradictions

It is possible that I could be considered "opinionated." I have absolutely no idea what might give rise to such allegations. I like to ask questions, some silly and some profound (or perhaps slightly less silly). I like to debate, and by debate I mean argue until you are convinced of my correctness or you prove that I am utterly wrong - at which point I grudgingly admit defeat and demonstrate my superior intellect with a random fact only useful for winning Jeopardy. 

My most recent thoughts, questions, and arguments have revolved around a few issues, namely religion and politics. My mother suggests that I read "How to Win Friends and Influence People" but small talk isn't nearly as entertaining.

Another issue has captured my interest of late. I have noticed that people are full of contradictions.

Brilliant deduction, I know

These are not superficial contradictions, like girls who claim to love men who are tall, dark and handsome, yet perpetually date lithe blonde men. These contradictions go to the very core of a person's beliefs, and while I know I am guilty of the same I am amazed at my mind's ability to rationalize such differences.

One example is abortion and capital punishment. As a general trend, people who support abortion are opposed to capital punishment, and people who oppose abortion support capital punishment. I can think of many staunch conservatives who believe life starts at conception and "killing babies" is heinous, but have no problem with killing someone who committed a crime. I can think of many staunch liberals who support a woman's right of choice, to rid herself of an unwanted fetus if she so desires, yet strongly oppose the death penalty because killing people is wrong.

Apparently my thought was not original

To me, these two issues seem to revolve around one central issue: The Sanctity of Life.

What justifies or does not justify the taking of a life? Is an unborn life worth more or less than a guilty life? Does killing someone who killed someone atone for the original killing or just add to the cycle of murder? How do we define "life" and how much do we value it?

I would think that someone who believes human life is sacred and inviolable from conception would oppose the taking of human life under any circumstances. I would also think that someone who has no opposition to the termination of a young life or guilty life would have no opposition to the opposite case. 

Another example is smallpox and gun control. 

Smallpox and gun control? You may ask, This is ridiculous, the two are completely different!

No, my friend, this is where my particular brand of crazy draws a parallel.

NPR recently ran a story about the last remaining stores of smallpox, and whether or not they should be destroyed. Basically, the argument goes something along the lines of "smallpox killed more people than all other disease combined, we have eradicated it from the world, we have developed an effective vaccine in the event of another breakout, and there probably won't be another outbreak if we destroy the last live samples." And do you know what argument was used to justify not destroying smallpox? I quote: "If smallpox is outlawed, only outlaws will have smallpox."

Another group who frequently touts this phrase is known as the NRA. Countless times, I have seen the phrase "If guns are outlawed, only criminals will have guns." used to oppose any form of gun control. In this instance, the statement has little effect, with many articles showing exactly why such a general statement is a logical fallacy. [Side Note: Both sides of the debate seem to forget that of the nearly 32,000 firearm related deaths each year, 61% are suicides.]

The contradiction here is that a highly generalized statement, used in two contexts, has two very different reactions. If X is outlawed, only outlaws will have X. In the case of smallpox, the statement is used to justify not destroying one of the most deadly viruses known to man, and no one questions the fallacy. In the case of gun control, many people point out the issues with the statement, and continue to push for stricter laws. The people who call the fallacy out on one side are not the people who call the fallacy out on the other. 

I could go on, but human nature is so full of contradictions that I would end up writing a novel. Humans are capable of writing symphonies, producing art, exploring science and nature and the universe. Humans are capable of genocide and destruction and death. Humans can be so engrossed in themselves and their own problems, and at the same time care about the fate of the world. Humans are so mixed up that I am utterly convinced there is a god, somewhere, laughing at the funny little creatures he made because heaven doesn't have soap operas. 

Foolish mortals AHAHAHAHA

FU ONE TIME, FU TWO TIMES, FU THREE TIMES...

...FU ALL THE TIME

The wait is over. After months of agonizing over tests, essays, grades, and everything else college-related, I have committed. I was accepted, I visited, I approved, and I committed. Ladies and Gentlemen, I am pleased to announce that this fall I will matriculate at Furman University. Whoo! 

It's time to invest in purple everything. Time to make sure all my worst enemies know that one of my college's football chants is FU ALL THE TIME. Time to actually develop study habits. Go Paladins! 

Spring Break 2014

Gather around, children, let me tell you a tale.

This is the story of spring break 2014.

"They are not long, the days of wine and college beach parties" - Ernest Dowson

The tale starts in January, when I decided it would be fun to take a college course to pass the time. Naturally, this college had spring break in March, so two of the five precious days of my parole were spent getting up at 7:00 AM for a 8:00 AM college class. This, combined with my siblings' school being out the previous week meant no family vacation to the beach.

This would not stop me from having an amazing spring break! No, this was only a challenge, for bigger and better spring break plans.

Easter Sunday was the official kick-off to my exciting week. I actually attended church. I had the unique distinction of being the only female under 60 wearing a hat. 

Quite charmingly, too

I spent the night at my grandmother's house. On Monday, I helped her clean out her attic. I have never seen so many vintage Christmas decorations and 70's clothes. We filled her entire car with things that needed to go to Goodwill. For my assistance I got $40 and two of the best, most tacky Christmas sweaters I have ever seen. I will forever treasure them for themed parties.

On Tuesday, I had to endure the endless blathering (by endless I mean 1 hour and 15 minutes) of my Western Civilization II professor. He enjoys referring to his unemployed 30 some year old son as a "little shit" and his son's girlfriend as "that hussy." I think he has some unresolved family issues. In the afternoon, I went to a local park. I began volunteering with a local charity, Angels In Need, that pairs "normal" teenagers with special needs children, in a buddy system, and they do activities on a regular basis. I met my buddy and his mother at the park, and spent an hour and a half playing with him. And by playing, I mean chasing him as he tried to escape the confines of the playground, and pushing him on the swings. It was fun! And that is honestly not sarcasm.

Wednesday was a big day. I had arranged with my little sister to take her hiking in Stone Mountain State Park to see the waterfalls. We woke up early, and hiking shoes and backpacks on, headed for the mountains. We walked down hundreds of stairs only to spend two minutes enjoying the largest of the waterfalls. She was ready to move on. 

Boring!

We then proceeded to hike to the two other waterfalls, all before lunch. Along the way, I learned that my sister was making a rock collection. This meant that I had to lug multiple chunks of granite around in my backpack. On our way to one waterfall, I had to take off my shoes and wade across a stream, carrying my sister. The water was frigid against my bare feet. 9 year old children are surprisingly heavy. At another fall, we discovered a ledge of about 2 feet wide, covered in water and occasional clumps of moss. We naturally had to inch along it, claiming to be Indiana Jones himself.  As we made the arduous hike back to the car, my sister probably vowed never to let me choose the hiking route again. We finished out the day relaxing with a picnic at the Homestead, and people watching the others who had spent their day enjoying the beauties of nature. 

The glories of nature

Oh yes, Wednesday was also the day I discovered I had allergies! This discovery took place in the large rash that spread across my upper thighs and buttocks when I got home. It was not poison oak or ivy, and I still do not know what caused it. I only know that I had to sleep on my stomach for the next few days.

Thursday morning, I woke up for my college class in pain. The rash was crusty and inflamed and painful, and walking was a challenge. I am a sissy so I made the executive decision to go back to sleep. I spent the day lying on my stomach, complaining about the rash and attempting to come up with witticisms based on my last name (which happens to be Rash).

Friday was the big day. The rash had relinquished power, and I could walk normally. I was all set to get my hippie on and go to MerleFest. Old Crow Medicine Show was appearing, and I simply had to see them live. MerleFest 2014 did not disappoint. I went with me myself and I, but I didn't mind, because I could see exactly who I wanted to see and was able to set up camp at the front of general seating. I ate redneck Thai food. I stalked Ketch Secor after he made an appearance with another band a few hours before the OCMS showing, and forced a grouchy security guard to take my picture with him. I listened to a lot of banjo picking. I took a nap. And then, the glorious moment came. Old Crow Medicine Show was live. And they were amazing. I danced embarrassingly and sang along with Wagon Wheel and Caroline. I discovered the limitations of a phone camera at 9:00 at night. I bought an overpriced t-shirt to show my new-found unconditional love for the band.

ROCK ME MAMA

It was a glorious concert.

And thus ends my tale of spring break. It was a spring break full of learning. A spring break full of mountains. A spring break full of uncomfortable rashes, bluegrass music festivals, and tacky sweaters. A spring break of stories. A spring break off the beaten path. A spring break without beaches and tans. A spring break no one wanted to hear about the next week at school. A spring break I thoroughly enjoyed.

I'm Rather Pagan At Present

"I'm rather pagan at present. It's just that religion doesn't seem to have the slightest bearing on life at my age." - This Side of Paradise

If you ever wondered what my favorite novel is...

I found a mirror image of myself in the character of Amory Blaine. Amory, hero of F. Scott Fitzgerald's first novel, This Side of Paradise, is one of the few literary figures I have genuinely identified with. He is moody, he procrastinates and overthinks, he reads, he writes, he complains, and he lives beyond his means. He stubbornly adheres to his beliefs and principles. He has difficulty making friends but is staunchly loyal to the ones he has. And for the purposes of this post, he also shares my religious skepticism.

I am on a spiritual quest for answers. I believe in the existence of a higher power, some deity who created some sense of order in the world and guided its formation. I do not, however, currently profess a belief in any one religion though I was raised in a Christian home.

My list of thoughts and doubts would be interminably long for one post, so I will focus on Christians' inability to scrutinize their own religion through the lens with which they scrutinize other belief systems. 

I found a witness guide on the 10 most common fallacies made by Muslims. [Original post can be found here: http://www.chick.com/information/religions/islam/fallacies.asp] It has an ever so slightly patronizing attachment: Note: The average Muslim does not know that his arguments are logically erroneous. He is sincere in his beliefs. Thus you must be patient and kind in sharing with him why his arguments are invalid.

I was compelled to try an experiment. What would happen if I switched Islam and Christianity? If I replaced "Allah" with "God", "Muhammad" with "Jesus", and "Islam" with "Christianity"? I did not change ANY wording except the religion in question.

Here are the highlights from this little project:

Common Logical Fallacies Made By Christians

Muslims must be prepared to answer the typical objections made against Islam. Most of the objections are based on simple logical fallacies. The following is a list of some of the most common fallacies used by Christians.

Note: The average Christian does not know that his arguments are logically erroneous. He is sincere in his beliefs. Thus you must be patient and kind in sharing with him why his arguments are invalid.

2. Arguing in a circle: If you have already assumed in your premise what you are going to state in your conclusion, then you have ended where you began and proven nothing.

Examples:

#1 Proving God by the Bible and then proving the Bible by God. 

#2 Proving Jesus by the Bible and then proving the Bible by Jesus. 

#3 Proving Christianity by the Bible and then proving the Bible by Christianity 

4. The Fallacy of Irrelevance: When you introduce issues which have no logical bearing on the subject under discussion, you are using irrelevant arguments.

When Christianity argues that history or science "proves" the Bible, this actually means that he is acknowledging that history and science can likewise refute the Bible. If the Bible contains just one historical error or one scientific error, then the Bible is not the Word of God. Verification and falsification go hand in hand. 

#1 Some Christians argue, "The Bible is the Word of God because the text of the Bible has been preserved perfectly." This argument is erroneous for two reasons: a. Factually, the text of the Bible has not been preserved perfectly. The text has additions, deletions, conflicting manuscripts, and variant readings like any other ancient writing. b. Logically, it is irrelevant whether the text of the Bible has been preserved because preservation does not logically imply inspiration. A book can be perfectly copied without implying its inspiration. 

#2 When Christians attack the character and motives of anyone who criticizes Christianity, they are using irrelevant arguments. The character of someone is no indication of whether he is telling you the truth. Good people can lie and evil people can tell the truth. Thus whenever a Christian uses slurs such as "mean," "dishonest," "racist," "liar," "deceptive," etc., he is not only committing a logical fallacy but also revealing that he cannot intellectually defend his beliefs. 

#4 Some Christians argue that the Bible is the Word of God because it contains some historically or scientifically accurate statements. This argument is irrelevant. Just because a book is correct on some historical or scientific point does not mean it is inspired. You cannot take the attributes of a part and apply it to the whole. A book can be a mixture of true and false statements. Thus it is a logical fallacy to argue that the entire Bible is true if it makes one true statement.

 7. The Fallacy Of Confusing Questions of Fact with Questions of Relevance: Whether something is factually true is totally different from the issue of whether you feel it is relevant. The two issues must be kept separate.

9. "Red Herring" Arguments: When a Christian is asked to defend the Bible, if he turns around and attacks the reliability of the Qur'an, Muhammad, atrocities committed by Muslims, etc., he is introducing irrelevant issues that have no logical bearing on the truthfulness of Christianity. He is trying to divert attention from Christianity to other issues.Furthermore, he is assuming that if he can refute Islam, then the Bible wins by default. If he can refute Allah, then God wins by default. But this is logically erroneous. You cannot prove your position by refuting someone else's position.

I have seen and heard ALL of these fallacies cited as factual and convincing arguments. Yes, Christians, they are still fallacies when applied to your religion; Christianity is not above the laws of logic. I understand that religion is a nearly impossible to prove, and the numerous "burden of truth" claims add to the confusion of the issue. However, if Christians are willing to point out logical fallacies in the arguments of other religions, their arguments should be held to the same standards.

I will not reject Christianity until further research. I am not all-knowing, and perhaps there are scholars who can provide satisfactory answers to my most pressing questions. However, I will expect better arguments than the above fallacies.

In the meantime, I have been touched by His noodly appendages and am currently in training to become a pirate. R'amen.

If Graduation Announcements Were Accurate

I'm currently in the process of designing dainty graduation announcements to make people feel a deep need to donate money to the cause of my higher education. This is an exceptionally brilliant scheme.

Of course, an honest graduation announcement would look like this:

I could go on and on.

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Graduation invite screenshots courtesy of Tiny Prints, where I will be ordering some not so tongue-in-cheek invites in the weeks to come.

An Ode to John Keats

John Keats, how you repulse me. You and your flowery diction and obscure vocabulary - it disgusts me. I suffered through your excretions of wit for many an English class period. Yes, Romantics, I despise your god. To properly portray my feelings toward this dilettante, I composed the following verse.

Just sit there and think about what you've done

An Ode to John Keats

 by Michelle Rash

My heart aches, and a drowsy numbness pains my sense as of your poetry I read

To loathe your overwhelming poesy hath my heart decreed

My spirit, too weak; thy diction, too deep

I am not even permitted the gentle luxury to weep

Thou speaks of Arcady and Attica and Greece

Of love and war and paradox, in which I find no peace

I was once full of sweet dreams and quiet breathing

Then poetry abounded, the importance of which I found deceiving

I linger in the soul-searching despair of the tomb

Hoping Hemingway and Twain will emerge from the gloom

Authors of straightforward narrative, of prose!

Not as if you could ever recognize those

At least by your profound questioning, your mind appears to be alight

Your queries are most significant, such as “Why Did I Laugh Tonight?”

You write of a golden-tongued Siren with lute

If I spoke like that, I’d prefer to be mute

Dryads and faeries amuse you to no end

After pages of this, even Meyers is a godsend!

Yes, a thing of beauty is a joy forever

Yet your poems are counted in this category, approximately never

As my mental end draws near, I have but one request

Give me Dickens or give me death!

Narcissus's Anthem

I have a new favorite Broadway cover. 

This gem was Santino Fontana's audition for Frozen. As may be expected, he got the part.

I cannot begin to describe my love for this cover. I laughed convulsively the first seven times I listened to this.

This is my new official audition song for any and all musical activities. 

Monty Python and the Holy Grave

Two things:

A) The above title has little to do with the actual content of this post. I just thought the allusion and the double entendre were too cheesy to leave out. (Holy Grail <- Holy Grave -> Holey Grave) Heh heh heh. The Pythons never did any sketches related to graves...

B) The above point is invalid; observe the "Undertaker Sketch"

I digress.

As anyone who has ever asked me about comedy knows, I adore Monty Python. I love the subtleties and word play of their sketches, the allusions and the incongruities and the cross dressing. Most people are familiar with "Monty Python and the Holy Grail", but are not familiar with the true masterwork of the troupe: Monty Pythons's Flying Circus.

One of my favorite things about comedy is that it offers a level playing field for debate. Sometime issues are so big and scary that no one can ever have a proper conversation about them. Comedy breaks down those barriers. If you can laugh about something, it isn't so scary any more. 

Monty Python mastered the art of satirizing current events in their sketches. Most people familiar with the show know of classics like "The Parrot Sketch" or "The Lumberjack Song." These sketches are humorous based on their incongruities, clever scripts, and caricatures. They are hilarious, but not deep.

Other sketches, less familiar, are poignant. I submit two such sketches for your consideration.

"The Mouse Problem"

"Dennis Moore"

Oh, good, you're back! Did you catch the satire? Let's discuss.

"The Mouse Problem" was in the second episode of the show, and aired in 1969. Anyone living in the UK would have known that it was a parody of the attitude toward homosexuals in the UK. The format of the sketch mimes real interview techniques that news shows had implemented to learn more about the "secret life of gay men." I picked up on the parody without having to look it up - this sketch is still relevant in the present day United States. Being the comedians that they were, this sketch also managed to poke fun at police officers, and naturally, chartered accountants.

"Dennis Moore" is a rather obvious mockery of socialism. Socialism was a key issue at the time - the Soviet Union had recently invaded Czechoslovakia and the proponents of socialism and communism were in the midst of a heated debate. I particularly love the line "Blimey, this redistribution of wealth is trickier than I thought!" In typical Python fashion, this sketch also manages to poke fun at Robin Hood and the aristocracy.

I shall reiterate my love for this show. Not only did Monty Python invent a brand of comedy so unique that it could only be described as Pythonesque, they managed to make biting social statements as well. They showed little mercy - British politician Reginald Maudling is better known for his constant humiliation on the show than any policy he actually implemented. I think this show was one of the greatest convergences of intelligence and humor to ever grace a television screen. Thank God for the internet and BBC reruns!

For next week's episode of Archaic British Comedy, I have a cunning plan! Blackadder.